PART 1

It was a week after Nightfall and Jack couldn't remember ever being this tired. It had been impossible to find sleep since it happened. He was so wracked with guilt he could barely think about anything else and when he did manage to drag his thoughts away from the nightmare of Kosovo, there was still no peace to be found. Endless questions about the mission and what went wrong plagued him - and then turned to anger. His team had been set up, he knew it. What he didn't know was why - and who. The 'who' was the important part but no matter how much he turned the question over in his mind, no answer emerged.

Then - the nights. The long silent nights where he lay in bed alone and his thoughts turned to Teri. He would be back with her soon but the thought of seeing her, for the first time in his life, brought no pleasure. He was so consumed with Nightfall, how was he supposed to go back to his regular life? The work at CTU would help - but not when he was at home. He couldn't imagine having conversations about grocery lists and nights out - that was all a world away from where he was right now. And where he was right now was the important thing. But, as always, Jack sighed and resolved to do his best. It was just....well, for once, he wasn't sure if his best was going to be good enough.

And now it was a week later. A week of grief and anger, debriefs and recriminations. The top brass had endlessly questioned and berated him to the point where holding his temper was becoming difficult. No one seemed to care about answering HIS questions.....but no. That was silly. He was a Captain but this operation went much, much higher - Jack knew that trying to get information through the Army would be a waste of time. The thought that had kept him going (and his temper under wraps), was his job at CTU. He was privately sure that by working through intelligence at the office, he might eventually uncover the real story. Not that he would ever tell anyone he was looking of course.

Jack snapped out of his reverie and brought his thoughts back to the present. He was waiting for his release papers, waiting in a stuffy windowless room for the documents that would catapult him back into civilian life. He'd been waiting 20 minutes already and was starting to feel incredibly claustrophobic. No one understood how hard it was - being pulled back into active service and then thrown back into regular life. Jack mused over the fact that it had never hit him so hard before - 'But then', he thought 'Nightfall wasn't just another mission. They've rarely gone wrong before....'

'Captain Bauer? I have your release papers ready'. Jack glanced up at the pretty desk clerk. She didn't smile.

'We just need you to sign at the bottom. Then you may leave. Your car has been brought to the front'.

'I may leave?' Jack thought sarcastically. 'May I?! Gee thanks'. But he didn't say anything, just nodded wearily. He stood up and ran his fingers through his untidy blond hair, didn't bother to read the papers. He'd seen them before with their stipulations of secrecy and threats of prosecution if he suddenly decided to talk. He scribbled his name, nodded to the clerk and headed for the exit.

The bright Californian sunshine was unbearably harsh on his tired eyes and Jack grabbed for his shades. His SUV was parked in front, neatly packed with the few belongings he'd brought with him. He looked around before getting in the car and took in the regular military base format - the building, the flagpole, the jeeps and the soldiers hurriedly marching to meetings/trainings/whatever. Jack suddenly had a feeling that he might never again stand on a military base in an official capacity - Nightfall may well have been his last mission. The thought hit him like a thunderbolt and he was surprised to find that it hurt. He'd miss all this, the Army had been a big part of his life for many years - this was something he hadn't been prepared for. When he got his summons for the mission he'd accepted automatically, picked and trained his men with practiced ease, happy in his role as a natural military man. And now it might be over and he wasn't prepared for it. Not even a little bit.

'Jack. JACK!'

He spun round, surprised at the shout, and then smiled as he saw his friend Patrick running towards him. They had trained together right at the beginning and had stayed close friends. They'd both been delighted to find that Jack would be planning and running his mission from the base where Patrick was stationed. It had given them time to catch up and Pat was glad to have the opportunity to question Jack about life outside the military, as he was thinking about entering Civvy Street himself. They'd had fun, albeit briefly. Then Jack had gone off on his mission and now, Pat noted, had returned looking like absolute hell. He threw off a quick salute for appearances sake - Pat was a lieutenant.

'Hey Jack, you leaving already? Where you been the last week?'

'Debriefs'

'All week?' Pat was surprised, that was unusual for Jacks kind of work. It didn't sound good either and he worried for his friend.

'Yeah all week. Just got my papers so I gotta run man. Give me a call and set up a visit - Teri and I would love to have you stay'.

Pat looked at him closely. 'He almost looks frightened' he thought to himself, 'either that, or he's desperate to get away'. But he just said quietly 'Sure, OK Jack. Take care of yourself'. Then he handed over a large envelope. 'Almost forgot. These came from your CO, I volunteered to come find you. Take it easy bud'. He jogged away, Jack watching him. Then he looked down at the envelope in his hands and immediately started to feel sick. He knew what was in it. He knew what he had to do, had always known but hadn't faced it until now.

Shit, he had to get out of here!

Jack threw the envelope into the car, jumped behind the wheel and took off. He ignored the salutes from the sentries as he left, just accelerated away from his army life, tyres squealing as if in protest.

All the thoughts of the last week were erased from his mind. The envelope on the passenger seat seemed to glare at him, overtake him, punish him with its accusing presence. And Jack could think of nothing else.

PART 2

Jack drove south for three hours on I-5. He resolutely ignored the envelope, ignored his thoughts, ignored the beautiful scenery. It was as though his brain had finally given up and shut down. He thought he'd even be able to sleep now but he couldn't stop driving. If he did he might not start again, and he had to get back to LA by tonight.

Oh sh!t - Teri. He hadn't even though about Teri. She'd be expecting him, today was the date he'd given her as his latest possible arrival. If Nightfall had gone well he'd have been at home three or four days ago - successful missions didn't require as much time for debriefing, fk ups took longer. He'd expected this one to go well, the job itself was fairly straightforward. There'd been nothing wrong with the theory - if the radios hadn't been jammed everything would have worked flawlessly. The mission flashed before his eyes again and Jack pounded the steering wheel in front of him. There was no point to this! He'd run a million different scenarios through his head already but always came up with the same conclusion - the radio frequency had been compromised. There was no other explanation. And now his team were dead and it was his fault. Jack had nowhere else to lay the blame.

The sun was incredibly hot, unusually hot for March, but Jack didn’t turn on the A/C and didn't open any windows. The heat was making his exhausted body scream for sleep, yet he wouldn't stop, forced himself to keep his eyes open and his car in its own lane. He didn't even turn the radio on to distract himself or put a CD on. He just drove and drove, sweat running down his face, eyes fixed blankly on the road. He knew he'd make LA by dark - but what then? Home? He almost laughed out loud at the thought, couldn't bear the idea of the warmth and light of his family. Couldn't bear the thought of soft arms around him and the delighted laugh of his beautiful daughter. Kim. Ohhhh....Kim. What was he going to say to her? How could he look at her? So much vitality and energy and youth and vigour - the opposite of everything in his world. The contrast was too much to bear. Go home and talk about school grades and Teri's work? Get asked how his 'training course' went and what he wanted for dinner? Right now Jack couldn't imagine eating ever again, couldn't remember the last time he did. Couldn't. Can't. Not food or sleep. What, then? What could he do? He kept driving.

It was dark when Jack pulled into a layby next to the ocean. He was past Santa Barbara, only about an hour from his place in Santa Monica. He had to do something. The envelope was still waiting for him like a snake in the grass. To avoid it he pulled out his cell phone and started scrolling through the numbers in his address book. He stopped at Teri's number. He didn't want to call the house in case Kim picked up but he knew she wouldn't pick up her Mom's cell. He hesitated. Teri would be pleased to hear from him. Excited. Happy. Asking him when he'd be home. Jack put the phone down and got out of the car.

He had no idea how long he stared at the ocean, was not aware of the fact that he was shivering. The day might have been hot but the night was freezing and Jack wore only a T-shirt. He didn't care. He was supposed to be dead right now, why would the cold bother him? Nothing so petty would bother him ever again.

Somehow, that thought got a reaction inside his head. He wasn't supposed to be breathing - but he was. Breathing but not really alive, not really. It was a strange thought and a little scary - so he reached back into the car for his phone and once again stopped at Teri's number. Jack looked at it. He couldn't. He just couldn't. He dialed a different number.

'Hello?' A drowsy female voice echoed through Jacks head.

He said simply. 'Nina'. There was silence.

'Jack? Hey.....Jack? What’s going on? Are you back?' He paused. What the hell was he doing?!

'Uh....yeah I'm back'. Pause. 'Everything OK with you?'

Nina was confused. Jack sounded very strange, almost as though his voice was on another continent. There wasn't the usual professionalism he spoke with.....and not the occasional flirtatious tone that she knew he felt guilty for. He Dead even. As though his brain wasn't engaged with his mouth when he spoke. A robot.

All this ran through Nina's head in a split second and summed itself up in one word, a word that flashed like a siren - VUNERABLE! When she spoke, she added a layer of honey to her voice.

'Oh I'm doing OK Jack. It’s really good to hear from you. Will you be back at work tomorrow?'

Hesitation. 'No. I've got a few things to do, I'll be in on Monday'. More silence. Jack cursed himself, he sounded like an idiot! What did he call her for? He should be driving home now, back to the warm arms of his wife and daughter. But he didn't want warmth. That was the last thing he wanted.

'Nina, meet me for a drink'.

Nina was taken aback but her mind exalted. She hadn't expected it to be this easy! 'OK Jack. It’s a little late but I guess I could meet you for one. You sound strange - are you alright?'

No! He wanted to scream. No I'm not alright! And I want someone to see what I've done and punish me for it. I want to get drunk and start a fight and have ten heavyweight boxers beat the crap out of me. I want to feel anything other than what I feel now, which is nothing. Can’t you hear that?!!!

'Yeah Nina, I'm fine. Meet me at the Kings Head in Santa Monica. About an hour OK?'

'Fine Jack, I'll see you there.' Nina hung up with a look of wild glee on her face, Jack hung up and wanted to cry.

He couldn't put it off any longer. He dropped the phone back on the passenger seat and picked up the envelope. He operated like a robot, mind cold and technical. He ripped the top off, getting a nasty paper cut and not even noticing. Jack reached in and pulled out.....seven smaller envelopes. Seven small rectangular envelopes that immediately turned into seven pairs of crying, accusing, furious eyes - each pair belonging to the wife or partner of the dead men that had written the letters inside them. It was just as Jack had known it would be, the way it always was when men died in combat. Each man wrote a letter to a loved one and if they died, one of their friends delivered it personally to the wife, or parents, or children, of the fallen soldier. But Jack was the only one who had survived - his letter was in his bag with the rest of his personal effects. He didn't need it, he could talk to Teri and Kim anytime he wanted. And now it was up to him and him alone, to go and visit seven grieving spouses and explain why he had let their husbands die. He'd have to see the children playing in the house, look at them and tell them how much Daddy had loved them but he wouldn't be coming home any more, how he'd always be watching them from heaven.......it was too much and finally, Jack cried.

He hadn't cried since the mission. He'd been too busy, too overwhelmed and, finally, too numb. But when he thought of what he had to do now - his hardest mission, his sworn duty as a friend and a soldier - Jack cried as though his heart had broken. He leant against his car and sobbed from his gut, he slumped to the floor and grasped the concrete as though it were a source of life itself. He couldn't think, couldn't breathe, felt nothing but pain. For the first time in his life, Jack questioned his strength. He didn't know if he could do this, it might be asking more than he was capable of giving. He cried for everything in his world and couldn't stop.

Half an hour later Jack was back on the road. He'd managed to pull himself together after a truck driver had stopped, noticed him and asked him if he was OK. He hadn't been able to answer at first and the guy was on the verge of calling an ambulance when Jack finally managed to say he was alright, thanks for asking. The driving was helping to calm him too and the crying had left him empty. He unconsciously drove at 80mph towards his meeting with Nina, feeling that he needed to talk to someone he knew but who wouldn’t gush over him. She might not even be too happy about being asked to come out this late but part of him knew that she wouldn't mind too much. The same part that told him he didn't really mind seeing her outside of work either.

Jack finally reached Santa Monica and parked near the Kings Head, a bar that tried to be an English pub. It didn't quite pull it off but he could've cared less right then. He was even slightly early so he sat in his car, unaware of the fact that his clothes were dirty where he'd lain on the floor, his eyes were puffy, red and bloodshot, his face was white as a ghost and his hair stuck out in all directions. He would've looked like a tramp if it weren't for the dangerous presence and charisma that Jack Bauer carried with him wherever he went. So he didn't look like a tramp, he looked like a madman. A psycho on the edge.....with tears in his eyes as he picked up the white envelopes again. Jack looked at the names on the front - Mrs. Shelton, Mrs. Gardener, Mrs. Illijec, Mrs. Graham, Mrs. Vass, Mrs. Pelzer and......Mrs. Saunders? What the....?! Jack turned the envelope over but there was nothing written on the back, just the name and address on the front. Mrs. Steven Saunders in London, England. Jack couldn't believe it - how had Steven's letter been included with the others? He was an unofficial member of the team in every way possible and even the other guys on the team had been told a false name for him. It was taken as read that in the event of his death, the SIS - commonly known as MI6 - would quietly deal with his family. Jack shouldn't have any involvement whatsoever. Yet here it was, this letter from Steven to his wife, containing - Jack knew - a photo of the three of them as a family, a snapshot of a happy day when Jane was just a baby. Steven never went anywhere without it, except into the field. Now Jack had to face that once happy family too - but he couldn't understand why. He wasn't supposed to have any contact with this woman......well whatever. It was Jack duty to talk to her, the Army said so, and Jack always did his duty.

He felt calmer now, almost like he felt when he was about to go onto a battlefield. Evidently an emotional battlefield provoked the same response from him. He knew he'd have to start making these visits tomorrow because it was Friday today and he was expected back at CTU on Monday. But for now - now he needed a drink. He would not think about the grieving wives and fatherless children. He would not think about Teri and Kim. He would drink and, hopefully, forget the world even existed.

PART 3

Jack glanced at his watch and realized that Nina would be in the bar soon, if she wasn't already. He looked down at his clothes and became aware of an unpleasant wet patch all down his left side, undoubtedly from when he was sobbing in the dirt like a child. He was covered in mud too and a glance in the rearview mirror confirmed his suspicions - he was a mess. A quick rummage in one of his bags in the back of the car turned up some clean jeans and a dark blue shirt. He changed as quickly and unnoticeably as he could while sitting in the driver’s seat and even managed to find half a bottle of water in another bag so he could wash his face and smooth down his wild hair. He didn’t care what he looked like but he suspected Nina might and the doormen might not even let him in the bar if he looked too messy. With that thought, he looked in the bag again and dug out some deodorant and aftershave - a present from Kim on his last birthday - and made use of them. Luckily he was fairly clean shaven. Another look in the mirror - yes, he was presentable. There wasn't anything he could do about his bloodshot eyes but hopefully the bar would have dim lighting.

He stepped out of the SUV and crossed the street. The days of him getting ID'd to get into bars were long gone, so within two minutes he was at the bar. Nina wasn't there yet so he took the opportunity to shoot down a couple of quick whiskey shots. If he smelled of strong alcohol when she got here - so be it. The liquor was fiery in his throat and burned all the way down to his empty stomach but the afterglow spread a welcome feeling of warmth through his body. He briefly wondered whether drinking in his state was really a good idea but quickly banished the thought with another shot and a sip from his beer chaser. So what if he felt bad tomorrow? Who cared?

He wanted to get a drink for Nina but realized he had no idea what she drank. So he just waited, sipping rapidly at his beer and trying to resist the temptation to chug the whole thing down. He ignored everyone around him, including the attractive redhead that smiled suggestively at him. He thought about nothing and was oblivious to his surroundings.

Ten minutes later Nina walked through the door. She looked around and spotted Jack sitting at the bar with his back to everyone. He was drinking quickly she noticed, which seemed out of character for him. Normally he was very reserved and in control and that kind of person usually weren't big drinkers. But, she reasoned with herself, I've never really seen him in a social situation before, except once, three months ago at an office Christmas function (she couldn't really call it a party, no one had fun) and he'd only drank one glass of wine. Other people wouldn't have paid any attention to what he drank, or any of the other thousand little details she'd memorized about him - but it was Nina's job to get to know this man. She was lucky, tonight he'd made it easy for her. Even if she didn't get as close as she'd like to, he'd remember this evening as a time when she'd been there for him. If she played it right she'd establish herself as someone he could trust completely. There would be no sleeping with him - well, not tonight anyway. That would be later, she was sure of it. Tonight was all about being someone he could lean on.

Nina didn't mind admitting to herself that it would be no chore to sleep with Jack - he was an incredibly good looking man. But not tonight - infiltration was more important.

All these thoughts cruised idly through her head as she walked casually up to him. He didn't hear her coming, he seemed to be lost in a world of his own somewhere. She had to tap him on the shoulder to get his attention which made him jump and swing round quickly on his barstool - and as she looked into his eyes it was her turn to be startled. It was like he wasn't there at all! The normally sharp blue eyes were far away, almost glazed over and they contained such a look of desperation and pain that she felt quite overwhelmed. Her cheerful greetings died in her throat as she held his gaze, and all she could whisper was 'My God Jack.....are you alright?'

He nodded. 'Yes I'm alright. Drink?'

'What? Oh....yeah. Yeah, I’ll have a beer please.' Nina was literally gob smacked. As he turned back to the bar and gestured for her to sit down, she took in the rest of him. His clothes were fine, his golden hair was neat and smooth - but the body inside the clothes was another matter. He hadn't been away from CTU very long but he'd lost so much weight! His face looked haggard and much older and he slumped on his seat, his normal ramrod-straight posture a thing of the past. Every move of his arms yelled exhaustion and - Lord, those eyes! Normally blue and twinkling sharply, now they looked like they belonged to something that had been dead for a month. What the hell had happened to him?

The bartender placed her drink in front of her and she took a small sip, her eyes never leaving Jack's face. He didn't look at her, hardly even acknowledged she was there. And then - something she wasn't expecting. She felt for him. Before, he'd always been a target, a way into the deepest secrets of CTU and yes, also an object of private lust. But now - Jesus, he looked so bad! She felt a stirring of real emotion for him and found herself wanting to help him. Nina was unaccustomed to feeling this way and it scared her a little. What should she say? The silence was lengthening, she had to break it somehow.

'....Jack? What's going on? You look terrible, what's happened?' She spoke softly, undemanding in her tone. He would open up, she knew it.

'Nothing, nothing. I just felt like a drink, that’s all.' Jack wondered if asking Nina here was such a good idea. He couldn't talk about Nightfall and he didn't like the way she was looking at him. Like she pitied him. Great, Jack thought, I'm supposed to be her boss and command respect and I let her see me like this. She's looking at me like I'm a kid who's fallen over and grazed his knee.

'Jack. Tell me. What is it? If you just wanted a drink you could have done that on your own. It's fine - I know you can’t talk about where you've been. We can talk about anything you want’.

Jack nodded. She actually seemed to understand. 'I just....' he fumbled for words. 'I was with the Army y'know?' Nina nodded. She hadn't known but she did now. 'I...well, its hard to go straight back home. I just thought if I could see someone from work it might make it a bit easier. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bothered you.'

'Jack its fine.' So he'd been with the Army huh? That meant a mission, probably overseas. 'Let’s just talk about other things'. Jack nodded and asked how things had been at CTU in his absence. She chatted for a while, inane things which Jack didn't hear but he was grateful for all the same. It was a distraction and that’s exactly what he wanted. He was blocking out tomorrow, he knew, because he couldn't deal with what he was going to have to do and say, the people he was going to have to face. The alcohol was helping of course and he continued to drink more and more, letting Nina's conversation wash over his head like a refreshing breeze. He hadn't drunk so quickly since high school when he hadn't known any better.

A small part of his mind said he was going to regret this in the morning, but he ignored it and kept going. He also found himself noticing how good Nina looked that night and he idly wondered if she was seeing anyone. Of course he'd noticed how pretty she was, but only in an offhand kind of way. This evening he found himself entranced by the way her hair shone and by the whiteness of her teeth when she smiled, which was often. But then he thought 'Get a grip Jack. You're happily married and you should be with Teri right now' The thought made his insides clench with - what? Happiness? Desire to see her? Disgust with himself because he wasn't at home? Yes, maybe a little. But mostly....mostly out of apprehension. He forced himself to stop thinking of Teri and turned his attention back to Nina.

Nina was happy to chatter away and let him sit quietly. She could see it was relaxing him and that just made him all the more pliable. She was careful not to appear inquisitive about where he'd been or about high-security issues at CTU, it was vital that he didn't notice her interest in sensitive matters. Not that he'd probably notice anyway - how much had he had to drink now? They'd only been talking for about forty minutes but he was on his fourth beer and third whiskey. Who knew how much he'd had before she's arrived. The tense edge was gone from his voice and his eyelids were starting to droop slightly. Nina changed tack.

'Jack, when's the last time you slept?'

He shrugged. 'Who cares?'

'Have you eaten? You're drinking an awful lot.' He shrugged again, finished his bottle. Great, she thought, he doesn't care. Whatever happened was obviously bad enough to make a strong man like this try and drink his way out of it. 'Maybe you should go home. Have you spoken to Teri yet? I'll bet Kim's dying to see you'.

Jack laughed, with no humour. Wow, she's trying to get rid of me already. I'm making a hell of an impression here.....he checked himself again. Why was he concerned about making an impression? He tried to make a coherent response come out of his mouth. It took a while. 'I told you, she doesn't understand. It's hard coming back to the real world. Teri just doesn't get it. It’s not her fault and she does her best. I'm just.....well, I'm really afraid that this time I won’t be able to make it easier for her like I usually try to. I mean, when things are bad I always talk to her about them - but I cant this time. And I don’t want to tell.....oh look, never mind'. He fell silent. He'd lost all idea of what he was doing there. What did he expect from Nina? Well, he knew he wanted someone to understand, someone who could help him. But Jack was not a man who knew how to ask for help. He felt embarrassed now and realized he was making a fool of himself. He downed another shot and excused himself to use the bathroom.

Nina sat alone, confused. She knew she had to leave. If Jack talked anymore about Teri he'd be embarrassed when he saw her at work and she couldn't afford to have that sort of barrier between them. Anyway, she'd found out some very useful information. Jack was not quite as invincible as he seemed - oh sure, when he was at work. But when it came to his personal life and his emotions, he wasn't in control at all. And that was really all she needed to know. She'd noticed the way he'd been looking at her that evening and she knew that if he continued to feel emotionally stressed, she could take advantage of that and get close to him. She wasn't surprised when she felt a flash of excitement when she thought about how close she might get.

Jack leaned against the bathroom wall with his forehead on the cool tiles. He was starting to feel quite sick. All of a sudden he became very aware of the fact that he hadn't eaten or slept in days. But he'd achieved his objective - he wasn't thinking. Wasn't feeling. The only thing he was really aware of was the cold sweat on his face - and the look of concern in Nina's eyes. For some reason, he remembered that vividly. He lost himself for a moment, wondering about her - and then was jerked back to reality by the sound of his cell phone ringing. He stared at it in horror. Of all people, it was Teri.

He didn't answer it. He couldn't. What would he say? That he'd been in LA for over an hour but instead of rushing back to his loving wife, he was blind drunk in a bar - with an attractive woman and an immense emotional breakdown brewing inside him? Yeah, that'd go down well. He let the phone ring. He'd call her tomorrow and say he'd been delayed for a day. He walked back to the bar and saw Nina pulling her jacket on. It was probably best that she was leaving but Jack felt a stab of fear at being left alone again. He looked her straight in the eye, paused a moment and just said quietly

'I'll walk you back to your car'. Nina nodded and waited silently while he downed his last remaining shot, then she got up and followed him out. There was no denying that she felt incredibly attracted to him, even more so now she'd seen a more venerable side to him. They didn't talk as they strolled back to her car - Jack slightly unsteadily - but kept rather closer to each other than they might have normally.

Jack didn't know quite what to do. He couldn't deny that the thought of making a move on Nina was appealing - but at the same time, he knew he was just looking for a distraction, something that was completely separate from the normal life he couldn't comprehend rejoining. But he couldn't do it. Things like that would not stay separate and isolated, no matter how much he would want them to. He would see Nina at work on Monday and he would see Teri tomorrow - Teri, whom he loved. So when they reached Nina's car all he could was say 'Thank you. I'm sorry I've been such bad company. Thanks for coming out here for me'.

Nina grinned inside. He thought she was there for him! It was exactly what she had wanted. She knew better than to push too far, she was nothing if not patient - so she laid a hand on his arm and just said quietly, 'You're welcome Jack. Call me anytime. Now go and sleep.' She pecked him on the cheek, got in her car and drove away, happier than she had been in months.

Jack watched her go, then turned and walked slowly back to his own car. What now? He wasn't going home. By the time he had reached the SUV, he knew he could sleep - the alcohol had done its job. Jack refused to think anymore. He crawled into the back seat, rearranged his bags, reached over into the trunk and grabbed a blanket to cover himself with. The night was still cold but Jack didn't feel it at all as his eyes finally closed. For the moment, he’d found something that resembled peace.

PART 4

Jack woke up when the temperature in the car got too hot to make sleep comfortable. It was still early but it was going to be another hot day. Jack lay at an awkward angle in the back seat for a while, assessing the damage done by the alcohol the night before. Sure enough, his head was pounding horribly behind his eyes, his mouth was parched and his stomach was growling ominously. He'd slept for about seven hours but he still felt tired and his clothes stuck nastily to his perspiring skin. He wished he could put off sitting up but traffic noises were getting heavier around him and he could hear people passing on the sidewalk next to the car - he'd be attracting attention fairly soon.

He gingerly sat up and the world started spinning. Pain exploded in his head even worse than it was before and the quickly opened the car door to let in some fresh air. He hoped it would stop him throwing up, unfortunately the movement involved in actually stepping out of the car proved too much for his stomach and he found himself retching on the tarmac. Luckily no one was passing just at that moment so when he'd finished he weakly wiped his mouth with a shaking hand and set off to find some coffee.

There was a coffee bar on the block down from the bar he’d been at the night before. It was quite busy, despite the early hour. Jack figured that people needed a good caffeine fix before work, or shopping – he knew he needed one now. As he paid for his black drip coffee and Danish he noticed he was getting some strange looks and people were keeping a slight distance away from him in the queue. The only thing he could think was that he must smell of last night’s liquor – well, they’d just have to deal with it.

Jack headed outside and walked slowly down the road. The ocean was only a block away and he felt a sudden desire to see it. Jack had been born in Santa Monica and had lived there most of his life, except when he was with the army of course. He’d always loved the ocean – its smell, the rhythm of the waves and he loved to surf of course. He supposed he shouldn’t be surprised at the pull it was exerting on him now – hadn’t it always done that when he was troubled? Whenever he was a boy and having a rough time he would go and watch the ocean. It never failed to soothe him.

He walked down to Santa Monica pier as if on autopilot. It was a Saturday so the place would be heaving later but due to the early hour it was almost deserted at the moment. Jack strolled slowly, sipped his coffee and drank in the blue and white waves, reveled in the sea breeze that caressed and cooled him. He found a bench at the very end of the pier and he was alone, with the exception of a few fishermen who’d probably been there all night. No one bothered him and he was free to think.

Maybe it was the dull ache in his head that helped focus his mind, maybe it was the air, but for the first time in a week Jack was able to contemplate his situation calmly. He first thought back to last night. He was sorry he’d got Nina involved but felt very relieved he hadn’t made a move on her, as he now realized he’d been very close to doing. He really didn’t need to add betrayal and adultery to his long list of failings. But he was alarmed to discover that he did get a surge of excitement whenever he thought about the way Nina had looked at him, and the way she had held his arm when she left. Not too alarmed though, he would never cheat on Teri. Jack was proud to consider himself a man of honour – and, aside from all the moralistic self-congratulation – he loved Teri. Loved her passionately and Kim, of course, was the apple of his eye. The two of them were at the very centre of his mad universe and he couldn’t begin to imagine the mess he’d be in if they ever went away. He spent a moment reflecting on his life with Teri, the quiet pleasure of a lazy Sunday with her, the family holidays, the easy passion they shared in bed – the kind of ease born from years of sharing each other. He thought of the smell of her hair when she put her arms around him, the way she laughed at Monty Python on TV and flicked popcorn at him when he complained that she’d rented another chick flick from Blockbuster. Yes, he loved Teri. He couldn’t be without her.

But would she understand? What if he couldn’t be ‘normal’ at home? She was so perceptive of his moods – in a loving way, not out of jealousy – would he be able to fool her and act as he always did? Jack sighed. This was ridiculous. He might get home and find that just being with his family was enough to banish the memory of Nightfall. He might be anguishing over a problem that didn’t exist. But....no. He didn’t think so. The mere thought of those dead soldiers, every one of them a close friend, was enough to bring the sick feeling back to his stomach. He couldn’t begin to get his head around why they were dead and he wasn’t. But for Teri and Kim’s sake, he would have to hide the pain from them. It wasn’t fair to take his failures out on the two people he loved the most.

The flow of Jacks thoughts were interrupted by a man sitting down on the other end of the bench. He placed a tackle box on the seat between them and leant a long fishing rod against the hand rail in front. Jack glanced over at the man – he was old, with weather-beaten leathery skin and amazingly blue eyes that shone from his face. He nodded at Jack as he caught the younger man’s eye.

‘Morning son. You look like a man that’s all lost at sea!’ Jack was taken aback by the forthright greeting, while at the same time his professional mind placed the man’s accent. He was undoubtedly English but had been in the States a long time.

‘Uhh.....what do you mean sir?’ The old fisherman nodded towards the blue Pacific in front of them.

‘The ocean son. You look like a man who loves it. Lost in thought you were, miles away.’

Jack couldn’t help laughing. He’d assumed for a second the old man had read his mind or something. ‘Oh yes, I love it. I grew up here, right next to it.’ The man nodded.

‘I could tell. I was a seaman for forty years. Royal Navy and then the merchant navy. I can always spot those who’ve got a feel for her.’ He peered closely at Jack and appeared to be considering something. Then with a jerk, he extended his hand. ‘The names Joe’.

Jack took the hand and introduced himself. The old man made him feel relaxed somehow. They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, both gazing out to sea. Joe broke it by sighing deeply. ‘Yes, I’ve never been the same since I gave it up. You a military man son?’

Jack was startled. ‘What makes you think that?’

Joe chuckled and his eyes shone. ‘For those that have been there, it’s easy to see. You know what I’m talking about.’ It was a statement, not a question. Jack nodded, he did know.

‘Yes sir. US Army. I sometimes wonder whether I should have joined the Navy instead. I seem to have spent too much time in deserts.’

It was Joe’s turn to laugh. ‘The sea will always be there, whatever happens. Wherever you go, you can always come back to it. Unless you’re like me, who never left it. I’ve been married to it my entire life.’ With that, he stood up. ‘Well, the fish aren’t going to get caught like this. I just saw you sitting there and had a mind you might like to chat. It was nice to meet you son.’ Jack watched him stand up and on an impulse burst out;

‘Are you married Joe?’

The old man looked down and his eyes were sad. ‘I was Jack. But I chose the sea, remember?’ And with that, he was gone.

Jack was left reeling by this exchange. He was not normally a man who conversed easily with strangers but......that was different. He felt something profound had just been imparted to him, but he wasn’t sure what it was. Whatever had happened, he felt calm. Jack took another long look at the sleepy waves and found that his mind had made itself up. He was going home.

Half an hour later Jack walked up the path to his front door. For a split second he thought of ringing the doorbell, then mentally shook his head at himself. He did live here! The weeks he’d been away had not changed his house, but from the outside it felt different somehow. He knew Teri was home too – it was Saturday and her car was in the driveway which meant she wasn’t out shopping or taking Kim someplace. He hesitated a moment before opening the door, waiting for......what? Courage? Oh for Gods sake! He thought angrily. This is my wife I’m thinking about! Jack pushed open the door and entered the cool of his hallway. A great rush of emotion flooded through him and all of a sudden it happened – he was glad to be home.

The door from the kitchen swung open. Teri had heard the front door open and knew that meant just one thing – he was finally back! She didn’t think about how upset she’d been last night when she couldn’t reach him, how worried she’d been when he hadn’t returned. All she wanted to do was wrap her arms around him, hold him, this man that she had loved passionately for over 15 years. She flew out of the kitchen and down the hall, not even stopping to look at his face. She simply flung herself into his arms and felt an enormous wave of love as she felt him envelop her. Her Jack. He was back where he belonged.

Jack felt more at ease than he had in weeks as he held his wife. He couldn’t stop tears forming in his eyes as he gently pulled away far enough to cup her face in his hands and kiss her tenderly. She responded in kind, a deep kiss, fuelled with the same passion they had had for each other as teenagers. Time had not diminished the physical attraction they felt for each other and Jack was grateful for this.

Teri pulled back to look into his face, her favourite face in the world. ‘Honey....oh, I’m so glad you’re home. I was expecting you yesterday.’

‘I’m sorry sweetheart. I got delayed and had no chance to call.’ He felt like a shit for lying but he couldn’t tell her the truth. Not this time.

‘Oh its alright.’ That just made him feel worse. ‘As long as you’re home now.’ And worse still. He was going to have to go out again that afternoon....but he’d think about that later. ‘Let me look at you Jack. I’ve missed you so much!’

She cradled his face in her hands and was shocked by how tired he looked. She reminded herself that he usually did when he returned from a training course, the Lord only knew what he had to do on them! Still – this time he looked even worse than normal, there was an aura of bone-deep weariness about him that she hadn’t seen since he’d been fighting in the Gulf. Teri remembered how long it had taken him to get rid of the nightmares from that short war – but he hadn’t been doing anything like that now. He hadn’t for years. He’d been on a training course and she supposed they’d worked him pretty hard. That would account for it. The faint smell of liquor that seemed to cling to him was a bit of a mystery too but she let it pass without question. She was so happy he was back!

‘Honey you look tired. Have you eaten? Come on, I’ll fix you breakfast.’ Jack let her lead him to the kitchen. It was spotlessly clean as usual and her laptop was open on the table. She liked to work in here because it was a comfortable, warm room – and it kept the coffee pot close at hand! Jack looked around at the familiar surroundings and just felt tired. Dirty too. He needed a shower but he thought he’d better eat something first. Teri liked to cook for him when she had the time.

‘Is Kim here?’

‘No, she stayed the night at a friends place. She was disappointed not to see you after school yesterday but I told her she’d see you today. She’s excited about you being back.’ Teri moved around as she spoke, pouring him juice and coffee, starting to make pancakes. He grabbed her wrist as she laid cutlery in front of him and pulled her into his lap. He wanted to feel her close to him. Teri smiled and held his head in her arms while Jack silently laid his head against her chest. He closed his eyes. Listened to her heartbeat. It was the best kind of oblivion of all.

Teri was happy to hold him. But she was worried as she stroked his thick blond hair. He seemed different. What had happened to him?

Jack stepped out of the shower twenty minutes later feeling cleaner and slightly more refreshed. He had to catch a few hours sleep before going back out to face the world, going out to look at grief-deadened faces and crying children. He hadn’t spoken much to Teri but she seemed to be all right. She didn’t seem to question where he’d been or what he’d been doing and he was so grateful for that. Seeing her again had been easier than he’d imagined it would be but he knew that there would be nothing easy about the afternoon. He pulled on some old sweat pants but left his chest bare and walked into their bedroom. Had he ever been this tired before? He reached down to set the alarm clock for four hours later and suddenly felt soft hands running slowly over his back. Jack straightened up and felt the hands slide around to his stomach, softly rubbing the hair on his torso, tracing the muscles. Teri leaned against his strong back, he felt her skin against his.

‘Jack I’ve missed you,’ she whispered and he knew what she meant. He turned and looked at her, saw burning desire in her eyes. All he could think was – I’m alive and I have my wife. He kissed her, softly at first, then more insistently. She gripped him tightly and pressed against him, her kisses igniting him more and more. Passion overtook him completely and he wanted her more deeply than he had ever wanted anything in his life. To slip into the familiar arms and feel loved, feel reassured, to feel safe. As they slid onto the bed, he felt all these things and he wanted to stay in that embrace forever.

Part 5

Jack was awakened by the loud buzzing of the alarm clock near his head. He groaned and reached out an arm to silence it, then in an automatic movement he reached out for Teri next to him. It was her absence that woke him more than the alarm, she was ALWAYS there when he reached for her in the night. Except.....oh yes. It was Saturday afternoon of course. She would have gone out to do the grocery shopping for the week or to pick Kim up from her friend’s place. He listened for sounds from the rest of the house but there were none. She’d left him to sleep, of course she couldn’t know that what he wanted more than anything right now was to feel her body next to his.

The smell of her perfume was all over his pillow and the soft fragrance brought back the memories of earlier. She’d made love to him with a fervour born of weeks of abstinence, he had been unable to stop himself getting lost in the expression of love. Afterwards he’d done something that he’d never done in bed before – he cried. The release of physical emotion had broken a psychological barrier in his mind and he hadn’t been able to stop himself from curling up in Teri’s arms and sobbing as though his heart had broken. He was sure it had confused her but she hadn’t said anything – just held him quietly and stroked his hair until he’d finally cried himself out and drifted off into a peaceful sleep.

He wanted her here with him. He wanted to find that peace again but he couldn’t do it without her help. And he knew that life was carrying on around him, dragging him along with it – and it was time to face the music. He wanted to see Kim first and he’d have to explain to Teri why he had some follow up work to do – which meant more lies but he couldn’t help that. And then he’d have to go and start paying visits to people that must surely hate him even more than he hated himself.

Jack breathed deeply for a moment, then finally managed to will himself out of bed. He retrieved the sweat pants from the floor where they’d ended up, threw them onto a chair and walked naked into the bathroom. Another quick shower, this one so cold he was shivering when he emerged from the water. Fresh jeans, a tight white T-shirt and black biker boots were quickly thrown on to his lean, muscular frame and then food.....oh wait. There was something he’d better do before Teri got back.

Jack jogged out to his car and retrieved his bags from the floor in the back. One of them he just flung into the bedroom, the others were taken and opened in the kitchen. Among other things, they contained his dress uniform, the uniform officers wore on formal occasions. He’d only taken it to the base in case he’d needed it during the planning stages of Nightfall, there was usually a function or two he might be required to attend. He hadn’t needed it this time but it still had to be re-prepared so that it was in immaculate condition. Jack spent an hour meticulously ironing it, using liberal amounts of starch, taking care to make sure that every crease and line was perfect. He also picked up his medals – the full medals, not just the ribbons – and made sure they were buffed to perfection. He brushed his hat and polished his shoes until they gleamed, and then the whole regalia was hung in a suit carrier and put on a hook behind the bedroom door. The rest of the contents of the bags - his fatigues and combat boots - were stowed carefully in a dark corner of the basement. Teri didn’t know he still kept this stuff as she believed he would never have need of it again. Jack was careful to make sure that she didn’t find out about it, she didn’t need to know.

He had been grateful for the fiddly work as it had needed him to concentrate and he mind was kept occupied. He was just packing the ironing board away when the front door banged open and he heard an excited voice echoing through the hallway.

‘Daddy? DADDY!’ Jack walked out into the hall and grinned at the sight of his beautiful 13 year old daughter. As soon as she saw him she dropped the bags of groceries she was holding and ran full pelt into his arms. ‘Hi Dad! You’re back!’

‘Hi sweetheart’, He wrapped his arms around her. ‘How have you been? Behaving yourself?’

Kim let out a high pitched laugh. ‘Of course! Hey, I got 90% on my English test yesterday. Pretty good huh?! AND, I joined the chess club last week. Isn’t that great? Now all those lessons you’ve been giving me might actually be worth something!’

He smiled at her affectionate teasing, gave her a kiss on the forehead and ruffled her hair. ‘That’s great honey’ he said quietly. ‘Is your Mom outside struggling with the groceries all on her own?’

Kim rolled her eyes theatrically at him. ‘Yeah OK, I’m going.’ Jack watched her bounce down the hall and out into the bright sunshine and wondered if he could remember what it was like to be that free and innocent. He tried – and failed. Naturally. Jack was thirty three years old and felt about seventy.

He followed Kim out to Teri’s car and immediately got handed an armful of bags. He looked in the top of one of them as he re-entered the house. Oreo’s. Low-fat yoghurt. Chips. Milk. Bread. Eggs. The usual stuff. He set the bags down in the kitchen but instead of unpacking them as he normally did, he left them and wandered into the den. He looked around. Cream walls. Cream sofa. Was this really his den? He felt like a stranger here. Big TV. Nice stereo. A red cushion caught his eye – and he was transported instantly back to Kosovo. His heart started pounding, the hair on his neck prickled. He was looking at a red bloodstain smeared on a rock, the blood of Dwayne Shelton. He saw the empty eyes of the man who was both his friend and second-in-command as they stared blankly at the stars. He heard the gunfire, smelled the smoke, listened to the shouts in Serbian as Drazen’s men got closer and closer but he couldn’t see anything else, all he could see was the blood.......

‘Jack?’ He started, swung around. Teri was standing in the doorway and she looked concerned. ‘Jack, are you OK?’ He was sweating.

‘Umm...yeah. Yeah honey, I’m fine.’ He tried to smile and didn’t quite pull it off. ‘I’ll go and help Kim put the food away, you put your feet up.’ He left the den, hoping he’d managed to hide his anguish and fear from his wife.

He hadn’t of course. Teri had been standing in the doorway for a couple of minutes and had called his name three times before he’d noticed her. She’d seen the sweat on his face and the horror in his eyes when he’d turned to look at her. The good feelings she had about him being home were beginning to fade a little – not because she didn’t want him there, but because she was starting to feel worried.

He’d made love to her that morning as though they might never do it again. That was unusual, after years of being together she’d become used to more relaxed, sensual passion. But he’d been almost desperate and he’d clung to her instead of it being the other way round, as it normally was. She would have explained it away as an aberration due to the fact that they hadn’t seen each other in a while – but then he’d cried. Jack NEVER cried. In the whole course of their marriage she’d seen him shed tears once – tears of joy the day Kimberley was born. Every other time where a normal person might break down, he would just lock it inside and try to stay strong for everyone else. It was a character trait she had long ago stopped trying to change and if she was honest, she found it damned sexy sometimes. But the tears this morning had scared her. She’d held him while he cried, not knowing what to say or how to make it better. If it was a work problem he probably wouldn’t be able to share it with her anyway. Well, the best she could do was to be there for him if he needed her. ‘If?!’ He obviously needed her!

Teri went back to the kitchen doorway where Kim was chattering away to her Dad while they stocked the cupboards. She’d always been a Daddy’s girl, thought Teri, and I’ve never known a man to dote on his child the way Jack does. She’d seen them do this chore together a thousand times, it was almost always filled with teasing and pushing and the occasional swipe of a tea-towel, but today Jack worked silently and mechanically while Kim provided enough conversation for both of them. The only time he smiled was as they finished and Kim flung her arms around his waist from behind.

‘I’m so glad you’re home Dad. Can we go and play chess?’ She saw a small smile creep across his face as he held her arms around him. Then he looked at the floor and there was the tiniest of cracks in his voice as he said,

‘Later sweetheart. I’ve got a few things to do first.’

‘Oh OK. I’m going to go and call Tamara, alright?’ She disengaged herself from him and bopped out of the kitchen towards her bedroom, stopping to plant a spontaneous kiss on her mother’s cheek as she passed by.

‘Thank you honey. Don’t be too long on the phone OK? Kim?’

‘OK Mom!’

She watched Jack as she spoke to Kim – but he was gone. Oh, he was still in the kitchen, leaning on a workbench - but his hands were gripping the edge of the bench so hard that his knuckles were white and he was staring into space. He was sweating again too and breathing heavily. He didn’t even know she was there. Teri was afraid. Was he having some sort of panic attack, was that was it was? She rushed up to put her arms around him but her movement jerked him out of his trance and he tried to act like everything was OK. As she went to try to hug him he pretended not to see, and turned away, leaving Teri feeling foolish.

‘Jack? Jack.....what’s wrong?’

He turned to look at her, trying to brazen it out. ‘Why would anything be wrong Teri? Everything’s fine. Although.....’

‘Although what?’

He sighed. I’m sorry sweetheart but I’ve still got some work to do this weekend. Just some follow-up stuff from the course. I’ll be back tonight but I’ll probably have to leave quite early in the morning.’

‘You only just got back! You have to be at CTU on Monday, don’t you even get one day off?’

‘I’m sorry Teri but there are some things that just have to be taken care of.’ It didn’t look as though she was going to let him off easy with this one. Jack didn’t want to fight, didn’t have the mental energy to sustain an argument but it looked like he didn’t have a choice.

‘Let someone else do it! You’ve been working too hard! You look terrible Jack, you need some food and rest.’ Her voice had been getting louder as she talked and Jack was worried that Kim would hear. He didn’t want her to hear them fight.

‘Teri.....’

‘No Jack!’ She lowered her voice after glancing down the hall towards Kim’s room. ‘Look, you’re obviously not in a fit state to go straight back to work. I’m worried about you. You don’t seem yourself and.....well...this morning.....’ Her voice trailed off. She didn’t want to have to ask him what he’d been crying about because she knew he’d never tell her. And anyway, he looked furious now.

‘What ABOUT this morning?!’ How could she bring that up?! Of all things!!

‘I’m just worried! What’s wrong with that? And what’s going on Jack, talk to me, please!’ Teri felt that she was about to cry. Why was he acting so strangely?

‘There’s nothing to tell! I just have some more work to do! That’s all. Look....’his voice softened when he saw her face. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I just have to do this OK? The sooner its over, the sooner I’ll be back.’

‘I thought we could spend some time with Kim this evening. Take her to the movies or something.’ Jack looked at her helplessly. Had she not heard what he just said? ‘Teri....’

‘And I told my parents we’d go for lunch there tomorrow.’

‘Teri....’

‘If you knew you were working, why didn’t you tel...’

‘Teri!!’ She jumped as he cut her off. ‘I have to do this. I’m sorry.’ She stood as still as a statue as he kissed her forehead and left the kitchen. She didn’t know what to think. He’d never cut her off like that before. He seemed different, harsh even – but maybe, maybe if he went and did his work then it would be OK. Maybe that would help him get it out of his system, whatever it was. She dragged herself in to the bedroom, shut the door and sat on the end of the bed. She wanted to stay out of his way just now. Her thinking was interrupted when she noticed the suit carrier on the back of the door. That wasn’t there this morning, she thought, and is he taking suits with him? What for? He’s got work clothes in his office at CTU didn’t he?

She got up, crossed to the door and without hesitation, unzipped the carrier. Nothing prepared her for what she saw inside. His army uniform?! She hadn’t seen it in years – she didn’t even know that he still had it! Did that mean....was he on Army business? Oh God...surely not, no, he couldn’t have been! But then – what exactly had he been doing for the last few weeks? Where had he been? Suddenly Teri was overwhelmed with fear. She zipped the bag back up and opened the door so he wouldn’t know she’d seen it. The army was supposed to be a life far behind them, she wasn’t prepared to have it suddenly thrown back in her face like this. She couldn’t take it.

Jack came from Kim’s room where he’d been explaining that he had to go back to work for a while, and they would play chess tomorrow. Kim was fine with it, as she usually was. He headed back to the bedroom to get his bags and he saw Teri, looking white and shaken, sitting on the end of their bed. All of a sudden he felt sorry for causing the argument and he realised that he hadn’t handled it very well. He walked in and crouched down in front of her.

‘Honey I’m sorry. I should’ve told you I had to go and finish up my work. I’ll try not to be long OK? Maybe we’ll still have time to go out tonight.’ He knew they wouldn’t and he didn’t want to go anyway.

Teri looked down into the upturned face of her husband. She had a sudden flash of.......feeling something different. As though, for a split second, she had never married him at all and he was just a guy she knew. But when she looked into those troubled blue eyes, she just leaned down, kissed him and whispered,

‘Hurry back OK?’

He kissed her back and looked straight in to her eyes. ‘I don’t deserve you, you know that?’ He grabbed the suit carrier, a smaller bag and was gone, leaving their bedroom full of nothing but empty air.

Part 6

Jack drove away, hardly able to believe what had happened. The softness he'd felt for Teri as he'd left the house started to leave him as soon as he began thinking about what she'd said. Hadn't he explained that there was nothing wrong with him? Told her that he had work to do? And there she was, telling him she wanted to go to the movies! And she'd brought up the fact that he'd cried – Jack was furious! Teri knew him and she knew that it was something he rarely did. She must have realised that he wouldn't want to talk about it so what was the point of bringing it up?

He pulled into a gas station about ten blocks from his house. The car needed a quick service and he could get that done at one of the manned full-service pumps. He was glad of the chance to sit quietly for a few minutes, his head was raging and starting to throb again. Well at least this time it wasn't from a hangover. He leaned his head back against the headrest and massaged the back of his neck with one hand. He couldn't remember the last time his head had been calm and easy – well - apart from earlier that morning, lying in bed with...Oh hell! When he thought about the way she'd held him in bed, he suddenly realised how ridiculous he was being. It wasn't Teri's fault they'd argued, it was his. After his impression of a teething baby this morning, she was bound to be worried about him! He had already known that she would be mad about him having to go back to 'work', why was he getting angry with her about it? It was just because she was glad to have him home after all – and he'd been a jerk. A total jerk. For Christ's sake, what was the matter with him?! Everything he did turned out to be a disaster at the moment – and today was not the day for a disaster. 'Pull yourself together Jack,' he told himself under his breath. 'Suck it up. You cant mess up for the rest of the afternoon or you'll do even more damage than you have already. Get it together a$$hole.'

One thing became clear to him. He was going to have to do a better job of keeping his feelings under wraps at home. If he kept acting the way he just had, Teri was going to worry and Kim would wonder what was going on. He had to behave as though nothing was wrong – and make it convincing. He was honest enough to admit that it wasn't just for Teri's benefit. If she believed he was alright, then she wouldn't fuss over him. He hated being fussed over and being constantly asked if he was OK would drive him in insane. It would make life easier for everyone if he just stopped acting like an idiot.

He thought about what he'd said to Teri when he left – 'I don't deserve you...' He'd been right. Jack resolved to check that everything was OK so he picked up his cell phone and dialled home. Teri picked up on the third ring.

'Hello?' She sounded stressed.
'Honey its me. Look, I just wanted to apologise for the way I acted. I'm really sorry sweetheart – I was just tired and grouchy.'
'OK Jack, its fine – as long as that's all it was.'
'What do you mean?'
'Well...you seem different is all. Upset. Was there a problem on your course or something? You can talk to me Jack, if you...well...oh, I'm just a little worried I guess.'

Jack gritted his teeth but when he spoke he was careful to keep his tone soft. 'Teri I'm fine, really. I promise. It was just a bad mood and I'm sorry. Look I have to go, I'm going to be late.'
'OK honey. Call me when you're on your way back OK?'
'OK Teri. Love you.' He hung up and tossed the phone onto the seat, then picked up one of the envelopes. He'd already knew who he had to see first but he stared at the address for a moment, delaying his actual start as much as possible. The first one would be the hardest. Finally he sighed, put it down and said out loud, 'Damn coward.'

He pulled out of the gas station and headed for the freeway. He was going up to Fort Irwin, near Barstow, where Dwayne Shelton had been stationed before he was pulled away from his regular unit. 'And who pulled him away Jack? You did!' He couldn't stop the rogue thought popping into his brain, but he dismissed it fairly easily. Dwayne would have killed him if Jack hadn't had him attached to the operation! He was ALWAYS Jack's second-in-command on missions. Jack couldn't imagine the earful he'd of gotten if Dwayne had realised that he'd been left out. He grinned at the thought

'Hey Jack you finally realised that I'm quicker'n you? Couldn't bear to be shown up huh? That's why you left me behind I bet.....'

The grin died on his face. Dwayne had been one of his best friends since they'd met during SERE training five years ago and he was someone Jack trusted with his life. Trusted him with other people lives too – sh!t, he'd give anything to be able to hear that friendly abuse now. But he'd never hear Dwayne's banter again, because he was dead. And so was everyone else.

Jack couldn't stop the tears.

He'd been driving for an hour. He was so used to the endless gridlock of LA that he didn't even think about getting stressed as he sat in traffic. He managed to tune out of everything by playing rock music as loud as he could on the CD player. All his favourites – Def Leppard, Iron Maiden, AC/DC. Teri teased him endlessly about his music tastes, telling him he'd got stuck in the 80's. But he knew why he loved that type of music – it brought back memories of happy times when he didn't have any responsibilities. Parties, friends, his first car - an ancient mustang, that broke down if you drove it more than 50mph, but had a killer stereo - college, keg parties, baseball, freedom – the music he played now was the soundtrack of his youth. He was not a person who lived in the past but thinking idly about it now gave him a comfortable place to hide from the present.

He was waiting at a stoplight when a low-slung car pulled up in the lane next to him blaring hip-hop and gangsta rap from every open window. It was full of kids in their twenties, all male, wearing basketball jerseys and red bandanas. Jack was on the east side of the city by now and he knew what those bandanas meant – they were gang colours. The guy in the passenger seat caught him glancing over at them, nudged the driver, then leaned out of the window.

'Hey man' Jack ignored him. 'Hey man, I'm talkin' to you! Don't be pretendin' I ain't here!'
Jack looked over. 'Yes?'
'You want to party man? We got some good smoke here, good price too. What you say?'
Jack thought it was sad that he'd reached the point where this sort of solicitation didn't surprise him anymore.
'No thanks'
'Aw c'mon homie....you look like you could do with loosening up a little. It's good stuff....'
'I said no! Now back off kid or you'll get hurt,' His outburst surprised even him. Just then the light turned green and the kids sped off - but not before the guy in the passenger seat gave Jack the finger.

He shook his head in anger. It wasn't the first time he'd been offered drugs while sitting in his car, but this time it was different. He'd just lost seven good men - seven men! – who fought to protect people like those kids. And they were dead, while a bunch of useless criminal gang members were free to drive around and break every law they came across. People that would most likely either end up in jail or dead. For one heated second Jack almost drove after them so he could knock some sense into their worthless butts – but no, it would be a pointless exercise and anyway, he had somewhere to be.

The afternoon was getting on when Jack made it to Fort Irwin. The drive had been uneventful which was lucky because he'd spent all of it in a trance, trying to figure out what he was going to say to Judy, Dwayne's wife. Eventually he had given up trying to plan it – everything he thought of just sounded stupid and rehearsed and he owed her more than that.

He passed through security at the base and drove to one of the administration buildings. He had called a friend of his, Jason Dyer, from the car and told him he was coming. Jason had been stationed here for three months and he and Jack had met up in LA one night for a drink and some games of pool. He knew Dwayne too but he didn't know how he died, very few people did. Which wasn't surprising considering that it had been a black op. Jack didn't like having to come to the base but Dwayne and Judy had lived on-site, so he needed to come here to see if she was still in this house or if she had moved. Also, he had to find somewhere to put on his uniform.

He parked in front and walked into the base reception area so he could sign in. He was glad to see Jason was waiting for him, it would make everything easier. He really didn't want to have to explain why he was here to some blabbermouth corporal behind the desk.

'Jack! Good to see you.' They shook hands. Jason was a cheerful sort of guy who had a heart of gold. He looked intimidating because he was very tall and built like a tank but Jack had always got on well with him. 'No problems getting in?'

'No it was fine.' Jack was anxious now, he wanted to get going. It was kind of like going to fight – you planned and planned and even though it might be dangerous, you always got to a point where you just wanted to get stuck in. He'd felt like that before Nightfall.....

'Well come over to the mess with me. We'll get a drink and you can tell me what this is all about.'

'No, not the mess Jason.' He didn't want to be where too many other soldiers were. There wasn't much chance of anyone knowing who he was but he still didn't want to risk it. It would take just one person to recognise him and wonder what he was doing there for there to be many awkward questions. After all, he wasn't supposed to be in the army anymore. 'Can we go back to your office?'

Jason was surprised by that. It wasn't like Jack to turn down a drink and he usually loved being with other officers. Soldiers loved to talk shop and Jack was a soldier through and through. 'OK sure. I think I've got a bottle of Scotch there anyway.'

It wasn't far to the office. Jack took a seat and accepted a small drink. He was expecting Jason to ask what all this was about and didn't have to wait long. 'So Jack, what brings you over to see us? Missing the job eh?'

'I've got something I have to do here Jason. Well, I can't tell you much actually, for reasons I'm sure you'll guess. But the reason I'm here is....' He couldn't bring himself to say it. He just reached into his pocket and pulled out the last letter Dwayne had ever written to his wife. Jason didn't even need to see the name, he knew what this meant.

'Oh God. Hell, I'm sorry Jack. Is it...Dwayne?' Jack nodded silently. 'When?'

'Last week. Is Judy still on base do you know?

'I can find out. I'll do it right now. Will you be OK on your own for a minute?' He got up, looked at Jacks clothes, and then added. 'You'll need to change right? Why don't you do that now, I won't be too long.' Jack nodded again and went out to fetch his dress uniform. He was operating on automatic pilot now and still didn't have a clue what he was going to say. He returned to the office and changed quickly but took care not to crease his uniform. He was grateful that Jason hadn't asked any stupid questions that he wouldn't have been able to answer. But then, Jason had been in this situation before too, he knew the score. Most of his friends had, the ones that were still alive anyway. He snorted a humourless laugh. Oh yeah, the living ones had all done this. But probably not for every member of the team they were leading and supposed to be keeping alive. Jack looked at his reflection in the mirror. The uniform had always suited him and he'd always felt comfortable wearing it. Not so much this time – but it did give him a small boost of confidence. Jason came back and told him that Judy was still on site. He offered to drive him over but he declined. Jack had to do this alone. He squared his shoulders and walked out into the kind of minefield he hated most of all.

He'd only met Judy once but felt like he knew her better. Dwayne was always talking about her and their three children whenever he and Jack had some time off work. He'd adored them and had often said that he was glad Judy had never asked him to leave the Army – because he would have for her. But she knew he loved it so she never asked. Jack thought of the amount of times Teri had wanted to ask him to leave but hadn't. When he'd joined CTU she'd been so relieved and had admitted that she wanted him to have a safer job. He understood what Dwayne had meant.

He walked to his car, acknowledging the salutes snapped smartly at him as he passed groups of soldiers. It didn't take him long to find the Shelton's house. It wasn't too large but neat and well cared for. Jack sat outside for a minute but then said to himself 'Just do it. It's your responsibility and you owe it to her.' And with that he got out of his car and strode up to the door.

Judy was startled by the doorbell. She'd been dozing on the sofa in the lounge while the children played quietly upstairs. They were old enough to realise their Daddy had died and were taking it remarkably well, much better than she was. It was a week since she'd been told that Dwayne had died in combat and all she could think was 'What combat?' He was stationed here in California, where was all the fighting? But no one had told her any more and she was left with nothing but her grief and her imagination. The imagination was the worst, she couldn't stop herself coming up with all sorts of horrific scenarios for Dwayne's death. She tried to tidy her long dark hair as she walked to the door. Who could this be? All her friends had been by today already.

She opened the door to a handsome man in full dress uniform. He looked vaguely familiar – and it suddenly hit her what this meant. She knew about the tradition, she knew what was coming. Damn, what was this man's name? Judy knew she'd seen him before somewhere.

'Mrs. Shelton. My name is....'

'Jack Bauer.' She'd remembered. They'd met at a formal dinner in the officers mess one evening about a year ago. And of course Dwayne had talked about him often, they had been friends and worked together many times.

'Yes ma'am. That's right. May I come in?' She opened the door properly and showed him in to the living room. She was aware that the place was untidy and dark and there were children's toys all over the floor but he didn't seem to notice. He took his hat off and declined a coffee. He sat stiffly in a chair, his back straight as a board.

'May I see it?' He looked surprised. 'You're here to give me his letter right? I know how it works.' Jack handed it over without a word and watched as she took it and held it, with no expression on her face. Then she slowly set it to one side and her voice took on an edge. 'I have a question. What was he doing in a combat situation? He was stationed here. There's no one to fight in California. In fact, I have two questions – where WAS he when he died? Were you there? What happened? I don't even know which country he was in! No one has told me anything.'

'Well ma'am, that's why I'm here. To give you the letter and try and answer any questions you have.'

'Well answer them then!'

'Alright.' He relaxed his posture slightly and Judy noticed his face sag a little, as though he'd resigned himself to the worst. He took a deep breath. 'You may know that Dwayne and I worked together often. Any time I was asked to put a team of men together, Dwayne's name was the first on my list. He was a good soldier, one of the best I've ever met. I trusted him with my life and trusted him to help me look after the lives of the other men too.

About three weeks ago, I was asked to take a team of men to Kosovo. I'm sorry, I can't tell you why.' Jack looked into Judy's stony face but her expression did not change. 'Well...' He was clueless as to how to approach the next bit. 'There were some... unforeseen circumstances...and I'm very sorry but...well, Dwayne died while helping to protect the lives of millions.'

'Who was in charge of the mission?' She was almost businesslike.

'I was ma'am.'

'So you planned it?' He nodded. He knew what was coming. 'Then wasn't it your job to plan for unforeseen circumstances?' Jack hesitated. No one could have known that someone would set them up and give their secure radio frequency to the Serbs. But he couldn't tell her that.

'Yes ma'am it was. I should have planned for every event. I thought I had. It was...difficult...' Liar, he thought to himself. The mission was no more difficult than any of the others you've done '...and I'm so very very sorry.'

Judy stared at him for a long minute and when she spoke her voice was trembling with barely controlled anger. 'Captain Bauer, do you have any idea how much you being sorry means to me right now? It means less than nothing! My husband is dead, his three children are upstairs with no idea why their Daddy is gone. What am I supposed to tell them? You say you're sorry?! Oh well, I guess that makes it OK then!' Judy felt bad inside for raising her voice at him, especially when she saw the pained look on his face but it also felt good to have someone to vent to. He was sitting there taking responsibility for Dwayne being dead and that was convenient for her, so by God, let him take responsibility!

'I'm sorry Mrs. Shelton. You have every right to blame me.' He wanted to add that he blamed himself too - but this was not about him and how he felt. He was here to make things easier for her.

'Why is it you here today? Why not one of the others?' Judy wanted to hear him say that it was his duty, so she could yell at him for only being here because he had to be. She was not prepared for what she heard. She saw him hesitate and for the briefest of seconds, Judy really believed that this man was going to cry. But then his face became like stone and he said quietly

'Because Dwayne was not the only man who died Mrs. Shelton. Everyone else did too. Everyone except me. And also because – he was my friend. If it had been me that died, he'd be talking to my wife today. That's the kind of friend he was.' There was silence. Judy was stunned. Half of her wanted to yell – You got ALL your men killed?! And the other half wanted to tell him how sorry she was and that she couldn't imagine what he was going through. In the end she did neither, just stared hopelessly at him.

Jack looked at her looking blankly at him. Wow, she really hates me, he thought. I don't blame her. She didn't seem to be about to break the silence so he said 'Is there anything else I can help you with Mrs. Shelton?' She shook her head dumbly, had no idea what to say to him or how to deal with her emotions. She felt like a mannequin, just reacting to his words. He stood up 'Then I'll leave you with your letter. I hope...I really hope that it helps you. And...I'll never ask you to forgive me. But please just know how sorry I am.'

She didn't move her head as he walked out of the room and didn't get up to show him to the door. But as she heard it close she went to the window to watch him walk down the path. His back was straight and he walked purposefully. He gave no hint that he had found the meeting difficult. It wasn't until later that she realised how grateful she was for that, how much easier it was when she didn't have to deal with other people's grief as well as her own. But she didn't think that at the time, she just thought 'Robot' and went to read her letter.

Jack hurried to his car fighting to keep his face straight. He would not let Dwayne down by upsetting his wife further. He jumped in and drove off, not at high speed as he would have liked because she might be watching and it would have been disrespectful, but sedately and carefully. And when he turned the corner and was out of sight of the house, he pulled over – and once again, he couldn't stop himself from breaking into furious, horrified tears. The way she had looked at him, hated him! Oh God, what had he done?!!

Part 7

Jason was sitting in his office waiting for Jack. Normally on a Saturday night he would be out drinking with friends but he thought Jack might like some company when he got back from his visit with Dwayne’s widow.

He hadn’t known Dwayne well but he could empathise with the pain Jack was going through. There weren’t many officers he knew that hadn’t been through the ordeal of visiting a dead friend’s family and trying to give them some peace of mind. He himself had done it twice and he could honestly say that he’d rather fight a war than have to do it again.

He heard the sound of a car parking and a few seconds later there was a knock at the door. He got up and let Jack in. He looked at his friend silently and saw straight away that he’d been crying. Of course he didn’t mention it, but as he poured them both a scotch, he quietly hoped that the tears had come after the visit and not during. Jeez, what was he saying? This was Jack! He knew how to handle these situations. He passed over the strong drink and watched as Jack poured it straight down his throat. He took the glass back and refilled it.

‘You staying here tonight?’

‘I’m supposed to be getting back to Teri. She doesn’t know I’m where I am.’

‘Call her. You’re in no state to drive all the way back to LA and it won’t do either of you any good if you’re in a bad way when you get home.’

Jack gave a small smile. ‘I look that bad huh?’ Jason looked down at him. He was sitting on a wooden chair, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. His jacket was unbuttoned, his tie was loose and he was turning his hat over and over in his hands. The blond hair was dishevelled where he’d obviously been running his fingers through it, and his eyes were red and bloodshot. Jason handed over the refilled glass of Scotch.

‘Yeah you do. Call Teri and tell her you’re staying at a motel or something. We can go out and have some drinks if you like and you can crash on my sofa.’

Jack knew it made sense. The prospect of a long drive, ending with having to deal with playing the role of perfect husband and father was not appealing right now. The idea of a night of relaxed drinking with an army buddy definitely was. In fact, it sounded like the best idea in a long, long time. He suddenly felt relieved that the day was over and noticed that he felt strangely empty inside. Maybe he could use this feeling to relax a little.

‘OK Jay, thanks. A drink sounds good. But can we go off base? I don’t really want anyone to see me here.’

‘Sure Jack,’ Jason understood why of course. ‘I’ll go change and commandeer a driver. Why don’t you call Teri, get out of your uniform and meet me out front in about fifteen.’

He left and closed the door behind him. It didn’t take long for Jack to put his jeans and T-shirt back on. As he took his uniform off, he felt like some of his troubles were coming off with it and he almost smiled with relief. Then he picked up his phone and dialled home. He figured Teri would be p!ssed but found that the thought brought no emotion from him.

‘Hello?’

‘Hey Kim, it’s me. You OK honey?’

Hi Daddy! Yeah I’m fine. Will you be back soon? Mom says we can go for pizza and a movie!’

‘No I’m not done here yet Kim. Is Mom there? Let me speak with her OK?’

Strangely, as he waited, his thoughts started to drift away, he found himself thinking about what he wanted to eat for dinner. He dragged them back, heard Kim yelling for Teri and realised that he hadn’t thought up a good excuse for staying away yet. He improvised a quick cover story.

‘Jack?’

‘Hi sweetheart. Look, I’m really sorry but I’m not going to be back tonight. I have to go see somebody in Santa Barbara and it’ll be really late by the time I’m done. So I’m just going to stay there for the night and get a motel room.’

There was silence on the other end of the line. ‘Teri?’

There was more silence then he heard her take a deep breath. ‘Is this about this morning Jack?’ She sounded annoyed – which annoyed Jack.

‘No! It isn’t. I just.....have to see someone and I don’t feel up to driving there and back in one night. It’s been a long week honey, that’s all. And I’m really sorry. I’ll be back early, maybe we can do something with Kim tomorrow OK?’

There was another long silence, followed by a sigh. ‘OK Jack, fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ She hung up without another word. He knew he should feel bad about lying and upsetting her, but he didn’t. He didn’t really feel anything, just – well, it was like there was a void inside his mind and nothing to fill it with. He just wanted to have a mindless evening and not think about anything. The stress of the last week had obviously been building up to a head and it must have cleared after he’d seen Judy, Jack reasoned to himself. At least for the moment he didn’t feel angry, or sad, or worried and that was nice. A very welcome relief.

A horn beeped outside and Jack left the office quickly. Jason was waiting in a Jeep, driven by a young corporal. A minute later they were off base and driving to the nearest town. Barstow was almost forty miles away but there were plenty of smaller places close by where they could find a pool table and some beers. They stopped outside a seedy looking joint with peeling paint and a broken window – and it was still less seedy than all the other bars they’d passed. They could hear Country and Western music coming from behind the curtain that covered the doorway and the doormen wore jeans and checked flannel shirts. A few people stood outside smoking, warily eying the Army vehicle.

Jason turned to their driver. ‘This is where people come to play pool?’

‘Yes sir. It’s the best joint in town. You really don’t want to see the others sir.’

Jason looked over at Jack. ‘What do you think?’

Jack shrugged. ‘I’ve got no problem with it.’ He’d been in far worse bars in his time and right now, he was dying for a beer. Who cared if the place needed a paint job? They jumped out, told the corporal they’d call when they wanted to get picked up and then ducked through the curtain.

It was gloomy inside because the place was only lit by dim electric candles on the walls. When his eyes adjusted, Jack could see the place wasn’t big but there weren’t very many customers, so it wasn’t crowded. There was a pool table at the back and the décor was pure country. As was the music, Jack noticed distastefully - Hank Williams and Kenny Rogers wasn’t really his style. The few customers scattered around the place stared at them until they’d paid for their beers, then went back to muttering amongst themselves.

Jack was surprised when he noticed he was starting to feel good. It was so long since he’d felt good about anything, the sensation seemed almost alien to him and he had to stop himself laughing out loud. He didn’t know how long it would last so he resolved to have a good time tonight and make the most of it. He knew the meeting with Judy had not gone well but the unexpected good mood made it difficult for him to feel upset about that right now. He sank his first beer, bought a second round and challenged Jason to try and beat him at pool – a challenge his friend was more than happy to accept. He suddenly felt like a great weight had been lifted off him and he wanted to laugh with joy.

Jason watched Jack closely. He was not sure what to expect. They’d been friends for about seven years and Jack was the most hard-to-read person he’d ever met in his life. Every man dealt with trauma differently and when bad things had happened to Jack in the past, he’d always just locked his feelings away and held it all in. This time though – there was something different and it made Jason uneasy. He watched as Jack started to smile more and then laugh, he cracked a few jokes and made fun of himself when he missed an easy pocket on the table.

‘Hell I must be getting old! I’ve gotta need glasses if I’m missing pockets like that. You want another beer Jay?’

‘Sure. I’ll get them though. You obviously need time to plan your strategy, you can’t beat me playing like that!’

‘Yeah, yeah, whatever....go get me a drink.......’

It was a couple of hours later. Jack was having a great time! He hadn’t seen Jason properly for ages and it was nice to catch up. They just shot the sh!t, laughed about old times, talked about their friends. He wasn’t even thinking about the last week! He’d switched to scotch after the third beer but Jason had stayed on the softer stuff – even mentioned calling it a night a couple of times. But not seriously. Jack had laughed and told him that he was getting soft in his dotage. Wow, he couldn’t believe how good he felt! Obviously this was the remedy every time he got seven men killed - cry for a few days, scare your wife, drink yourself into oblivion one night, anger your friend’s widow the next – and then go and have fun! Yeah! He’d have to remember this the next time he royally fked up! Jack laughed in his head. And he’d been drinking scotch for hours now and he wasn’t even drunk! This was great, he couldn’t believe how good he felt. Maybe all the bad stuff was over! Yeah, it must be – he’d been acting like a baby for long enough now...

Jason was getting seriously worried. Jack had insisted on drinking liquor and hadn’t stopped. He was laughing uproariously at pretty much everything and his eyes had been glassy for an hour now. He’d suggested leaving twice but Jack had just laughed him off. This behaviour was so unlike him! Jack had always been good at dealing with stress – but there was only one thing this could be. Something had happened that he couldn’t deal with. Something really bad. And because Jack was Jack, he couldn’t handle not handling it.

Jason had seen this once before. He’d been on a live-fire training exercise with his men and one of them had misheard an order, resulting in him accidentally shooting his best friend. The guy had been a mess for weeks - drinking, fighting, breaking down every day, he’d even hit his wife once. But after a time his emotions all ran out and he felt nothing. So he’d thought he was over it and gone away for a drinking weekend with his friends, really lived it up – and ended up shooting himself in the head five days later. He’d mistaken his numb state for healing, had thought he was fine – but when the numbness stopped, the pain was twice as bad and he couldn’t take it. That funeral was one of Jason’s worst memories.

As Jason watched Jack, he became more and more sure of what he was seeing. Obviously Jack had been relieved to have gotten the visit with Judy over with, anyone would have been. But did he seriously think that that feeling of relief was it? That he could put all the hurt down now and walk away? ‘Probably’ thought Jason. ‘He’s always prided himself on being able to deal with absolutely anything. But what the hell do I do for him?’

If Jason had known about the other six men, he would have been well past the stage of simple worry right now.........

Jack went to the juke box and shovelled quarters in as fast as he could. How could he have thought he didn’t like country music?! This sh!t was great! He made his selections and put his new favourite on first – ‘The Gambler’ by Kenny Rogers. This was the third time he’d put it on that night. Who needed AC/DC anyway? He turned and walked back to the pool table where Jason was waiting, noting for the first time that he felt a bit light-headed and the noise in the bar seemed to be coming from a long way away. There were two locals at the table asking if they wanted to play a doubles game.

‘Yeah, we’ll play.’ He could take these guys with one hand tied behind his back!

Jason looked over at him. ‘Jack, don’t you think we’d better get going?’

‘Go? Why?’ Why would they want to leave? They were having fun! Jason looked resigned and agreed to the game quietly, Jack laughed loudly and put a $50 bet on the outcome. He’d won every game he’d played that night, he’d win this one too!

It started off OK. Jack put them three balls up, one of the locals responded in kind. They were big guys, dressed like the doormen outside and they played very seriously. The game went on and Jack WASN’T being serious, he joked with Jason and laughed whenever their opponents missed a pot.

‘C’mon Jay, clean up! We got them on the run now!’

Jason wished he would shut up. Their opponents didn’t look like they appreciated being made fun of. He felt so uneasy he didn’t even pot one ball and Jack looked annoyed.

The locals went ahead by two and seemed to enjoy the fact that they were winning. Jack felt edgy and couldn’t stand still. He was humming along to Kenny Rogers under his breath.

‘......you got to know when to hold ‘em......

.......know when to fold ‘em.....

‘......know when to walk away.......

.......know when to run........’

‘Hey man, you gonna sing, or shoot pool?’ The locals thought he was trying to play mind games with them but Jack was oblivious. He stepped up to shoot, still humming quietly - but he felt sticky and uncomfortable, and he could taste scotch in his dry mouth. His confidence had lost its edge. The music seemed very loud and the bar was hot so he shook his head to try and clear it but it didn’t help. ‘Focus Jack,’ he whispered to himself.

He took his shot....and missed. All of a sudden his good mood totally evaporated and he stood up quickly, the end of his cue banging on the floor. One of the locals smirked at him, the other one came to the table and cleaned up. With only the black to go, Jack was suddenly furious. How the hell had THIS happened? He’d won every other game.....

The local took his time setting up the shot. It was an easy one, he was just rubbing it in. As he leant down to take it, he looked up to the two men he was playing and said;

‘We saw you come in. You army guys, you think you’re so good.....’ And with that he grinned - and sunk the black. As the ball dropped in with a thud, his partner pointed his fingers like a gun, looked straight into Jack’s eyes - and silently mimed shooting him.

Jack lost it. In a split second he’d launched himself across the table and pounded the guy as hard as he could in the face. He couldn’t control his anger, didn’t hear the scream of fury that came out of his mouth. He couldn’t help himself – as the local had pretended to shoot him, he’d suddenly seen the face of the Serbian guard who had shot Dwayne in the back of the head. Red mist descended and he just went for the man, the enemy that had shot his friend, raining heavy blows at his face, hitting his mark with every one of them. He didn’t hear Jason yell at him to stop and barely felt the blow from the man’s friend that caught him across the jaw.

He turned on the other man - who was taller than him by about four inches and outweighed him by at least sixty pounds. With the ease born of years of training, he quickly dodged the second blow coming at his face, swivelled underneath it and landed a strong uppercut straight into the guy’s solar plexus, instantly knocking the wind out of him. He collapsed into a heap, wheezing and unable to catch his breath.

This had taken just seconds, too fast for Jason to stop it. He moved towards Jack, who was turning back to the first guy, but Jason finally got to him and slammed him into the wall.

‘WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!!!’ He pressed his arm across Jack’s neck and leaned his bodyweight into him to stop him getting free. He looked straight into his eyes and said menacingly ‘Get a hold of yourself Jack!’

The fire died in Jacks eyes as quickly as it had flared up and he stopped struggling against Jason’s heavier bodyweight. He felt the tension leave his body and the bar swam back into focus. He could hear his heart thumping in his ears, feel the adrenaline coursing through him – but the urge to hurt people had passed. He nodded at Jason - yeah its OK, you can let me go – and slumped against the wall.

Jason slowly released his hold and looked around nervously. The first pool player was out cold with blood on his face and the second one was still gasping on the floor. The other people in the bar were staring at Jack with fear and shock on their faces. They had to get out of there now, someone was bound to have called the cops. He grabbed Jack’s arm.

‘Come on.’ The small crowd was silent as they walked past and out of the door. Jason kept hold of Jack as though afraid he might suddenly lose it again. Once outside and down the street away from the bar, Jack shook his arm off and just said quietly ‘You’d better call the driver.’

Jason did. He watched Jack as he made the call. His face was white and he was staring down the empty road, into the black darkness that the streetlamps couldn’t reach.

Part 8

Jack woke up early. It took him a moment to realize where he was and figure out why he was lying uncomfortably on a leather sofa. Then the events of the previous day came flooding back to him and with them, the crashing pain in his head that he recognized as too much Scotch the night before. There was also an aching in his jaw that took him a second to place – then he remembered the fight too. He guessed that one of the guys had managed to land one on him after all, but the actual scrap was unclear in his head. ‘That’s strange,’ he thought to himself, ‘I remember everything before and after it.....’ He let the thought trail off, he didn’t want to think about what that meant.

He sat up, carefully. The room swam for a moment and his head hurt a bit more but after putting his head between his knees for a moment, he felt better. When he sat up, he also noticed the knuckles on his hands – they were bruised and swollen, there was even blood on his right ones. He presumed it was his own blood where the skin had broken, but couldn’t be sure.

A clock chimed quietly on the opposite wall. 6am – only six hours since they’d been picked up by that corporal. Jack remembered that the guy had seemed surprised when they’d got into the jeep – usually when he picked up old Army buddies from bars, they were drunk as lords, laughing and telling lurid stories. But they’d got in silently and hadn’t said a word on the drive back to the base. He’d heard the corporal asking Jason whether everything was all right when they’d got back. He’d pretended not to hear when Jason had quietly replied ‘Son, pray you never see things get so bad that a friend of yours breaks’. Then he’d said something else that Jack hadn’t caught but he’d heard the young soldier say ‘Of course sir’. And then he’d gone. Jack didn’t care what Jason had asked him, he had just wanted to crash. They’d gone into the small house – Jason wasn’t married – and the only thing that was said was,

‘We’ll talk about this in the morning Jack’. He’d nodded wearily, grabbed a blanket and fallen asleep fully dressed on the sofa.

Now it was morning and Jack was a little worried about what his friend would say to him. The more he thought about what had happened, the worse he felt – not only because of the two guys he’d beaten up but because he’d put Jason in an awkward position. The locals knew they were Army men and if their injuries were severe they might cause trouble at the base. Jack doubted that Jason would get in trouble really but he wasn’t so sure about himself. ‘Conduct unbecoming an Officer’ was a charge taken seriously by the Army – whether or not they still considered him as ‘one of them’ was unclear – but for someone who wanted to lay low at Fort Irwin and not draw attention to the fact that he was here, he was going about it all the wrong way. He sighed heavily. How much worse could he make things for himself?

He got off the sofa and wandered into the kitchen. He drank a few glasses of water to re-hydrate himself, then visited the bathroom. Although he didn’t feel too well, he was restless, and dismayed to find that the welcome numbness of the day before had disappeared. His mind was back to racing and endless thoughts and accusations surfaced continuously, none of which he could silence with answers.

It occurred to Jack that exercise might help. It always had in the past, so he was glad when he heard Jason stirring in his bedroom. Maybe he could borrow some running clothes. On a purely physical level he could sweat the hangover out, on a mental level he knew it would help to clear his mind.

Jason had heard Jack moving around for a few minutes before he got up. He wasn’t entirely sure what he was going to say to his friend but he knew Jack needed help – and he would give it if he could. When he came out of his bedroom and saw Jack sitting on the sofa, he wasn’t surprised to see that he looked like sh!t. There was a bruise forming on his jaw and his hands were beaten to hell. He looked tired and his face was drawn and unshaven, which made him look much older than he was.

‘Morning Jack. How d’you feel?’

Jack shrugged. ‘Not too bad. Listen Jay, could I borrow some shorts please? I want to go for a run.’

Jason almost laughed out loud. ‘You want to run? Jesus Jack, you look like hell. Sit there and I’ll get you some coffee and breakfast. Then we should talk’.

‘No Jay, I don’t feel like sitting still. Help me out will ya? I need to clear my head. We can talk after’.

Jason sighed. ‘You want me to come with you?’

‘No, I just want to be alone for a little while. I won’t be long I promise’.

Jason shook his head in disbelief. Run? After what he’d drank last night?! ‘Well, if you think it’ll help man’. He went and found some running clothes and while he did, he wondered how far Jack could run before he’d have to stop and face whatever had happened.

It was getting to be another hot day and Jack found the start of his run a hard slog. Labouring under the weight of his hangover, he sweated profusely through the first mile. At least the discomfort took his mind off last night and the possible trouble he might have caused for Jason.

Mile two took a steady ten minutes, mile three he clipped to eight. The initial pain had worn off and Jack kept going, adrenaline pumping through his veins and his mind blissfully clear. He ran the last two miles at a faster six minute pace, with an all-out sprint over the last two hundred metres. ‘Not bad for a thirty-three year old,’ he thought to himself ‘especially a tired and hung-over one’. Jack had always been fast and athletic and he was thankful that CTU required a high level of fitness from him, he would hate to go to seed and lose his physique like some guys did as they got older. He jogged steadily back to Jason’s, noticing the occasional curious glance thrown at his bruised face and hands by other soldiers that were out early.

When he got back he was welcomed by the smell of fresh coffee and eggs. Jason told him breakfast would be done by the time he got out of the shower, so Jack hurried off to the bathroom suddenly feeling ravenous. His hangover had disappeared and his body was eager for food. He showered quickly, dressed in his clothes from the night before and went back to the kitchen where Jason was shovelling mounds of scrambled eggs onto piles of toast.

‘Hope you’re hungry.’

‘Starving, thanks.’ Jack poured two cups of coffee, added milk and went and sat down at the table. Jason brought over the food, and for a moment they ate in silence, neither one wanting to start the conversation.

Eventually Jack cleared his throat. ‘Look Jay – I’m really sorry. I didn’t want to cause any trouble for you. If there’s any fallout from last night, I’ll make sure I take the heat for it. None of it was your fault.’

Jason put his knife and fork down and pushed his plate away. He looked intently into Jack’s face as he spoke. ‘What do you remember about last night?’

Jack was a little surprised. He’d just thought that Jason would assume he remembered it all and they’d talk about whether or not there would be trouble from it. ‘What do you mean? The fight? I got drunk and hit a couple of guys. That’s what I remember.’ He knew he was lying, to himself as well as to his friend but he didn’t want to examine his actions anymore. He was thoroughly sick of himself, if truth be told.

‘Jack – you know what a beserker is? Of course you do, we’ve both seen it in combat. A guy loses it completely, has no knowledge of what he’s doing. He just loses it and cant remember it afterwards. That’s what happened to you last night. I know it is. Be honest with me, we’ve been friends for a long time.’

Jack couldn’t say anything. Yes, he’d seen men lose it in combat situations before. They would start running around crazily, shooting every enemy in sight, the tension of the situation was too much for them and they couldn’t keep a handle on it. Was that really what had happened to him? He forced himself to think about the evening before. He remembered drinking, laughing with Jason, feeling good. He remembered playing pool and winning, playing songs on the jukebox. Singing to himself. He remembered how many people were in the bar and what most of them were wearing, how many were sitting at the bar and how many were sitting in booths. His mind was trained to store and recollect such details. But after all that? He saw one of his opponents pointing fingers at him and pretending to shoot and then......nothing. Not really. Just blurs and a screaming in his head. And after that – being outside and waiting for the driver to pick them up.

He looked down at the table. He couldn’t look Jason in the eye. ‘I don’t remember it,’ he mumbled softly. Jeez – was he really that much of a wimp that he couldn’t hold on to his emotions anymore? He genuinely felt embarrassed. Jack Bauer did not lose control. Not ever.

Jason felt for him. He knew Jack was a proud man and normally a stoic one. Not for one second did he see Jack as weak – but he wanted to know what was going on. He wanted to help.

‘Tell me what happened man. You know you can trust me. It’s not just Dwayne is it?’

Jack shook his head. ‘No, its not just Dwayne. But I cant tell you. Its classified at the highest level.....’

Jason cut him off. ‘Jack this is me! I know all about security clearance, I work with military intelligence for Chris’sakes! You should know you can trust me not to say anything – I keep more secrets than you’ll ever know. You need help! Look, don’t give me any names or places or anything if that’ll make it easier. But talk to me – I’m worried about you!’

Jack thought about it. He could hardly bear the idea that he couldn’t deal with this on his own. He took a few long minutes thinking about it all – and in the end it was the thought of Teri that made his mind up. He was going to have to keep all this quiet from her – forever. And right now he didn’t know how he was going to be able to do that and stay sane. He had to do something – there was no way he could continue to feel like this and also pretend everything was normal at home. It would be impossible, he hadn’t even managed a night out without losing it! And staying normal at home was his top priority – Teri and Kim could NOT become aware of this problem.

He took a deep breath. ‘There’s not much I can say Jason, I know you understand that. But – I was called back in from CTU. There was a mission that needed to be run and they chose me. I was fine with it, no problem with the objective and it seemed pretty straightforward.

But something went wrong. Our secure radio’s had been compromised and we were unable to communicate within the team. The men we were after – well, they found us as we were on our way back to the exfiltration point.’ Jack voice started shaking with emotion – sorrow and barely contained rage. ‘We were fking sold out Jason! The bstards were tracking us with our secure radio signals......’ He broke off, aware that he’d probably said too much. Even talking to a friend, he needed to be careful. He got a hold of his anger.

‘Anyway – they’re dead Jay.’ He stopped talking abruptly and Jason was confused.

‘Who are? The guys you were after?’

‘No. My team. All of them. I picked and trained seven guys for this mission – and I’m the only one who made it out.’

He fell silent and looked at the floor. Jason sat back in his chair, exhaling a long, disbelieving breath. He was completely stunned. Holy Fk!! No wonder the poor guy was such a mess! His whole team? Every officer in combat had lost one or two men – but all of them?! And Jason knew Jack, knew that he was the type of CO that felt personally responsible for the lives of his men. Exactly the type that would take it hardest if something like this happened.

‘Jesus Jack – I don’t know what to say. I really don’t. I cant begin to imagine what you’re going through.’

‘Yeah well.....it’ll be alright.’ Jack felt kind of embarrassed at having said it all now. He knew Jason would understand – but he just wasn’t used to talking things over with people.

‘No it wont, not if last night is anything to go by. Listen, I was worried about you before you beat the crap out of those two rednecks, and now I’m beyond that. You cant deal with all of this yourself. You cant!’

Jack’s embarrassment was starting to be replaced by faint tinges of anger. Who said he couldn’t deal with this himself? He didn’t like Jason sitting there, telling him he wasn’t able to cope. Who said he couldn’t?

‘Jason, I appreciate your concern. I do. But what else am I supposed to do? There’s no one to talk to about this – it was a black op. I’ve already said too much to you. Lets leave it alone. I’m fine now. If there’s any repercussions from last night, I’ll take what’s coming to me.’ He stood up and took his plate over to the sink, began to wash it, his silence declaring the conversation over and the subject closed.

Jason looked at his friend’s back. Jack was obviously p!ssed off and he knew it was because he didn’t like having to face the obvious – he wasn’t coping at all. But what could he do to help? He didn’t want to just leave it at that but was at a loss as to how to proceed.

Jack finished washing up and walked through to the sitting room, carrying a fresh cup of coffee. He looked around at the neat, almost sparse, room and was reminded of the house he and Teri had kept while he was in the forces. All army people kept their homes tidy, it was a throwback to training days when they were subject to inspections at any time. He sat back down on the sofa and rested his head against the seatback, feeling a great wave of fatigue rush through him. Why was he getting mad at Jason? He was just trying to help – and hadn’t Jack already admitted to himself over the last couple of days that he couldn’t shoulder this burden alone? That was what had made him go back to Teri yesterday morning wasn’t it? The feeling of isolation had become too much and he needed to relate to somebody – and Jason was offering this time. Jason, who could help him a lot more than Teri could – because he understood. He knew what went on. Jack watched his friend come and sit across the room and was suddenly overcome with gratitude that he was there. Maybe he COULD tell him what was really bothering him.....

‘Jay?’ he paused. God this was embarrassing! ‘I think I’ve been.......uhhh........’ He broke off, wondering how to say what he wanted to say.

‘What Jack? You can tell me.’

Jack shifted uncomfortably in his seat. ‘I’ve been having flashbacks. You know....to the mission.’

‘Sh!t Jack – really?’

He nodded. ‘Yeah – y’know, if I see something red, I just see blood - and all of a sudden I’m back there. And then last night, when that guy pretended to shoot me – I just saw Dwayne getting shot. I just....well, I just lost it. And I cant remember it at all. Sh!t Jay, I could’ve killed those guys!’

‘But you didn’t Jack. So ease up on yourself.’

‘Only because you were there to pull me off! Christ, that could’ve been bad....’ The implications of his behaviour suddenly sank in and for the first time, Jack felt scared. What if this kept happening?

‘Listen, I asked that corporal driving us last night to give me a call today. He’ll come pick us up if I ask him to and I’ll come with you to the doctor’s. Its pretty clear to me that you’ve got Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or something like that. Maybe you can talk to someone today.....’

‘No! No talking to anyone Jay – you mean like a counsellor, don’t you? How the hell can I do that? Jeez, don’t you understand? I shouldn’t have even told you what I just did! Forget it man, I’ll deal with this on my own.’ He stood up from the sofa, fully intending to take his coffee mug to the kitchen and then leave. Talking like this wasn’t getting anywhere. So Jack was surprised when he suddenly found himself on his back on the sofa, coffee everywhere and Jason standing over him, red in the face with anger.

‘God damn it Jack! Stop trying to pretend this is all OK!! You cant do it all by yourself! I know you like to think you can take anything, but you cant! You’re human like the rest of us, alright?!!’ Jack looked stunned and it half crossed his mind to jump up and land one on Jason’s face – but no. Sh!t, why did he even think that? Jack never hit his friends. What was going on with him?

It was totally clear to Jason – Jack was ill. In the last half an hour alone he’d gone from being contrite about last night, to embarrassed about talking about things, to pissed off, to honesty and then back to pissed off again. His moods were all over the place and he’d admitted to flashbacks. It was all the symptoms of an overloaded psyche. But there was no point suggesting professional help, he’d never go for it. And to be fair, he wasn’t really in a position where it was an option. He’d never be able to talk about this mission, not once in his life. It struck Jason how unfair things were for people like Jack – asked to do the impossible, take terrible losses and then keep it all inside. No wonder so many soldiers took solace in drink and drugs, or ended up killing themselves or going off the rails entirely. Life really was hard for them and they all did it to protect their country. He felt bad for his outburst and went and sat back down.

‘Look, I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you. But don’t leave yet OK?’

Jack sat up, ignoring the fact that he was covered in coffee. He out his mug down on the floor and just looked at his friend. ‘What am I going to do Jay? I’ve got to see the wives of the other six guys, but I’m supposed to be back at CTU tomorrow. And Teri doesn’t have a clue where I am. I don’t want to take all this out on her and Kim but its driving me mad.’ It was the most honest thing Jack could say – he was finally admitting he needed help.

And Jason immediately thought of how he could assist. He was so relieved – there WAS something he could do after all. ‘OK Jack, listen to me now. There’s obviously no way you can go around and see everybody you need to – and you don’t need to, not really. You have the letters your men wrote to their families right?’ Jack nodded. ‘Give them to me. I’ll get them sent to the appropriate bases, and have a friend of each one of the men go to see their widow. There’s no way on earth you can take on that entire burden yourself.’

‘It wont work Jay. Its my responsibility to do it. I’m the one who was there, its only me that can answer their questions.’

‘And you can see them Jack – but there’s no law that says it has to be now. I mean, the funerals haven’t even taken place yet I bet. This way, the wives can get given their letters by someone they know well – which will be easier for them – and if you still need to see them, you can go do it in a few weeks time. They’ll have had time to calm down and absorb it a bit. You know as well as I do that there’s no time limit on these affairs – sh!t, in Vietnam, wives sometimes had to wait years to talk to anyone about their husbands. You know it makes sense Jack. And besides everything, you have to be at CTU tomorrow. There’s no physical way you can do it anyway.’

The idea was tempting to Jack. He was never one to shy away from his responsibilities but with Jason’s plan, he could just postpone them a little and try and stay sane in the process. The more he thought about it, the better the idea seemed, until finally ‘OK Jay. You win. We’ll do it your way.’ He felt awful for giving in but really couldn’t see another option. He hated the unfamiliar feeling of defeat that washed over him but had no more strength left to fight it off. He was done.

Jason was so glad he was able to propose something useful. Jack excused himself so he could go out to the car and get the letters. As he looked through them one last time, one caught his eye. Addressed to Mrs. Steven Saunders. Jack stared at it for a long moment – then slid it into his pocket. Steven was not supposed to be anything to do American forces – Jack couldn’t risk it getting out that he’d been with them. He took the others in to Jason and handed them over without a second look. Now he’d made his mind up, it was easier to let them go. He didn’t want to dwell on the fact that he somehow felt he was letting his dead comrades down.

There wasn’t much to say after that. Jason couldn’t think of a single way to appease his friend’s troubled conscience and they both knew that even if Jack could have talked about it, in the end it was something he was going to have to deal with on his own. No one could do that for him. There was no one that could help Jack to forgive himself.

They stood by Jack’s car, saying nothing, thinking nothing. Eventually Jack turned to Jason and grasped his hand strongly. ‘Thanks for everything man. I couldn’t have done this without you.’ And with that, he got in his car and drove away, leaving Jason staring after him, almost in tears over his friends pain and wondering how the hell Jack managed to deal with things no man should have to deal with.

PART 9

Jack drove off the base, a strange mix of emotions running through his head. Jay had been great – the way he usually was. But Jack was embarrassed at having spoken so candidly, it was very unlike himother a whole lot, they dealt with . Jason was a friend and everything – but he was an Army friend. Army guys didn't offload onto each things by taking the piss out of each other and getting drunkwas not the sort of environment . They lived a hard life, and they dealt with hard things by laughing at them. It where men got emotional with each other weak. And you couldn't be weak – you put on a front and hoped your friends would too. A chink in the armour meant you were on the battlefieldto sh!t. You didn't show . Respect was paramount to everything – if just one man thought you weren't up to leading them, then the whole lot went emotionembarrassment. He knew . You just didn't. Jack felt as though he'd violated some kind of code, shown his soft underbelly and left himself open to ridicule and Jason would never let on that he thought less of Jack, and maybe he didn't And he didn't like that feeling – but now Jack would always feel lesser in his friend's presence. at all.

He sighed heavily and ran his fingers through his hair, a habit he'd always had when he was stressed about something. 'Fu(k it,' he thought. 'Nothing I can do about it now.' He shoved the thoughts of Jay to the back of his mind. He was extremely grateful to his friend, not just for talking straight to him that morning, but because he'd taken the burden of talking to the rest of the soldiers wives away from him. Jack knew that he'd have to see them at some point and he didn't really like putting it off – but he acknowledged that he couldn't do it at the moment. Oh, he could emotionally (he told himself anyway), but there just wasn't time. He had to be back at CTU in the morning.

The thought of CTU brought more mixed emotions from him. He was glad that he would once again have intelligence at his fingertips because then he could start digging into what was bothering him, namely, who the hell had set up his mission to fail? Someone who hadn't cared if he died, that was for sure. Hell, he was supposed to be dead right now. But he wasn't, and now he could keep a lookout for any unusual behaviour. He wasn't exactly sure what he was looking for but he thought he'd know it if he saw it.

But then – being back at CTU was just another step back into the real world. Yes, it was a strange world, but it wasn't in a foreign country, there wasn't a risk of all his team being murdered by unseen strangers. And he didn't mean the Serbians who'd actually shot them either. They'd been murdered long before the actual mission, by people in their own Government.

His job at CTU had been primarily desk work so far, he'd only been there about 8 months and hadn't had to make many trips into the field as yet, and then only to pick up a suspect or something innocuous. He hadn't even had to pull his gun so far, which he was actually quite glad about. It was refreshing to do a useful job that was important to the security of his country, but without a rifle or pistol in his hand. But now he thought about going back, and wondered whether it would be the same. It felt different somehow - returning with a specific purpose in mind. And he felt different. He had to admit that he felt changed, and not in a good way. He had never been this angry, this hurt – or this disappointed.

Jack had never felt let down by his country before. He'd fought to protect it, been in horrible places, seen and done horrible things. But he had believed in what he was doing, and still did to a certain extent. It was just – he knew that someone had killed his team. He wasn't prepared for the disillusionment that he felt coursing through him. Could he really return to this job? Continue to fight for his country, knowing that there were people in power working against the soldiers that were made to die for no reason?

The more he thought about it, the more it bothered him. He drove without seeing the road, passed endless small towns without registering their presence. Was his job worth all this? It was all very well fighting for people that needed defending, and a country that had protected others – but fight for a government that killed its own soldiers? Jack was a military man through and through and the lives of his men were the most important thing in the world to him. He relied on them to keep him alive, and they asked the same of him. He'd let them down. The government had let them ALL down. But Jack was the one who survived, so Jack was the one that was responsible. Once again, he asked himself – Why? Once again, there was no answer.

It took Jack about three hours to get back to LA. All the way he wrestled with the new dilemma that had arisen. It was so hard! His government, the army – they'd never let him down before. He'd always trusted them implicitly. And so had his dead team, every one of them. And now he was expected to go back and work for the Government, like nothing had ever happened.

With this problem in mind, Jack took a detour when he got back to LA. Half of him admitted that he was once again avoiding going home – but the other half wanted to try and work something out. So instead of driving back to Santa Monica, he pulled off the 10 freeway and headed for CTU. It didn't take him long to get there, the Sunday afternoon traffic was lighter than normal. Jack pulled into the parking lot and sat in his car for a moment. He looked at the nondescript white building as though he'd never seen it before. It had always seemed to him to be an important place, where important things happened and a person could really make a difference. But today...today it just seemed like a cold, harsh building, unwelcoming and unfriendly.

Jack got out of the car and walked in. Even though he wasn't scheduled to work today, it wasn't unusual for him to drop by. The security guard stood up as he entered and looked surprised to see him.

'Agent Bauer. Long time no see. It's good to have you back sir.'

'Thanks Paul. How're you doing?'

'Good thanks. It's been pretty quiet round here. You come in to see Mr. Walsh?'

Jack looked up at him. 'Walsh is here?'

'Yes sir. You didn't know? He came in about an hour ago.'

Jack wondered immediately if there was a problem. 'No I didn't. Thanks Paul, see you later.' He walked on into the main part of the building, wondering what Richard Walsh was doing in here on a Sunday. Then he laughed to himself. What was he doing here on a Sunday?

He walked onto the main floor and was greeted by the usual noise of people talking, phones ringing and the constant sound of fingers tapping on keyboards. He stopped walking and looked around him – the environment seemed almost alien. For the past few weeks he'd been surrounded by loud men in uniform, guns and military vehicles. To be back in an office and surrounded by computers and the low murmur of quiet voices – well, it just felt strange. Jack was suddenly struck by the amazing contrasts in his life. From a foreign country surrounded by dead bodies, to an office full of computers in the space of a week...Jack almost laughed out loud with how ridiculous it was. But it was what it was. He shook his head and turned to walk up the stairs to his office, when he heard someone say his name.

'Jack!'

He turned round. 'Hey Tony.'

'What are you doing here? I thought you weren't due back until tomorrow.' Jack noted that Tony didn't look over the moon to see him either, but that was hardly surprising. Tony had been here before Jack started and hadn't taken to him from the beginning - Jack supposed it was because he did things his own way and didn't ask much input from his subordinates.

'Yeah, I just thought I'd come in and get up to speed before jumping back in. Y'know, have a look at what's been going on? Is Nina still here or did her shift finish already?'

'She's still here – and Walsh is here too. They're in the conference room.' Jack noticed Tony hesitate and he looked as though he were going to say something else, but then he didn't.

'OK. Could you go and tell them I'm here please? I'll come down in a minute.'

'OK Jack.' Tony watched as his boss walked up the stairs to his office. He didn't like Jack, he hadn't really since he first took charge at CTU. But there was no denying he was good at what he did – it was just the way he did it that Tony took exception to. And now – something seemed a little off. For a start there was a bruise on Jacks jaw and from the look of his hands, he'd been in a fight recently. But it was the eyes that had made Tony hesitate and almost ask if everything was OK. Normally the eyes of his boss were steely blue, alert and didn't miss a thing. Now they were stressed and tired, with a look in them that Tony could only describe as...defeat. It was a little disconcerting to say the least and Tony just hoped that Jack would be up to his job. But he pushed all this to the back of his mind - this was Bauer after all, he was a tough guy and an arrogant son of a bitch – and went to the conference room to tell Walsh that he was here.

Jack stood at the doorway of his office and stared inside. It was exactly the way he'd left it. He felt like he'd stepped into a time-warp and that the last few weeks hadn't happened. He could almost convince himself that he hadn't gone to Kosovo, that this was just another day at work. But then he opened his locker and saw his own bruised face staring back at him, and knew he couldn't pretend that it hadn't happened.

He took off his white T-shirt, which was definitely a telling reminder of the bar the night before, given that it had some small blood flecks on it and smelt of beer. He grabbed a black shirt and shrugged it on and tried to tidy his hair up a bit. He couldn't do anything about the bruise or the tiredness, so he was just about to head down to the conference room when his internal phone rang.

'Bauer'.

'Jack its Richard. Tony said you were here. Don't bother coming down, I'll come up to you in a minute.'

'OK Richard, thanks.'

He sat down heavily behind his desk and swivelled his chair around so he could look at the people working downstairs. They went about their work, oblivious to his watching. Jack suddenly found that very apt. All of them down there, the finest group of people he could hope to have under him – and they didn't have a clue. Not really. None of them worked in field ops, none of them saw what the outcome of their decisions were. They were just analysts, they processed data – and arrests and death came out of the other end. But they never saw that side of it – to them it was all crunching data and weighing up probabilities. Dealing with information, deciding the best route to take and trusting other people to do the messy part. People like him. All of a sudden it made Jack sick.

Jack knew that was one of the reasons he'd been given this position – because he knew both sides of the job. He organised the data, and then acted on it, with help from field ops or by himself. He was the perfect go-between in every sense of the word, the mortar that held the two sides together. He'd always loved the responsibility and he knew he was good at it. But today, he looked at his team and felt something that came close to hate. How could they all sit there and push buttons on their keypads and not worry about the outcome? Did they all just go home and sleep perfectly, safely, because they hadn't seen the blood that their decisions created? He swivelled his chair back round so his back was facing the window, fighting to control the anger that swept through his body. It had been a bad idea coming here. And he was worried now, more worried than he had been before. Was he really going to be able to come back and work here? Feeling like this?

Jack took a few deep breaths, stared down at the surface of his desk and told himself to calm down. 'You're being irrational,' he told himself. 'They're just doing their jobs. They process what Intel they can, and it's up to you to make sure the results come out well on the other end. Get a grip.' He was struggling to fight his emotions and was unaware that he was being watched from the doorway, unaware that he had a deep scowl on his face. Richard knocked again and called his name for the second time.

'Jack?'

He jumped in shock, he'd been so deep in thought that it took him a second to recognise who was standing in front of him.

'Richard! Sorry, I was miles away.' He jumped up from his desk and shook the older man's hand warmly. 'How are you?'

'I'm good.' Walsh frowned. 'How're you Jack. You looked pretty pissed just then.'

'Oh I'm fine. Just thinking. What brings you by here on a Sunday?'

Jack was trying to keep his voice even and light hearted, a fact that was not lost on Richard. He'd known Jack for years, ever since they'd served in Desert Storm together. Walsh was much older than Jack and had left the Army after the Gulf, eventually finding himself at CTU. When he'd learned that Jack had left the forces too he'd suggested that he apply for a job with the agency as well. Of course, he had and hadn't looked back since. He ruffled a few feathers along the way, but even the most staid of Agency higher-ups had to acknowledge gruffly that Bauer was a star. He absolutely did not ever, let anything get in the way of getting the job done. Exactly what the Agency wanted – but they'd never been renowned for caring a great deal about individual employees. Richard looked closely at Jack and the minor stuff he'd wanted to chat about died in his throat. He simply said:

'What happened?'

'What do you mean?'

'Oh come on - this is me. I know you and I know when the sh!t's hit the fan. It's written all over your face Jack.' Jack looked at the floor and Richard understood. 'It went badly did it?'

'Richard, you know I can't talk about it.' The older man sighed. Yes of course, same old thing. Ask a man to do something horrible, watch him do it and then tell him he can never talk about it with anyone.

Walsh knew perfectly well that Jack had been with the Army on a covert mission – not just because he had higher security clearance but because he knew it was military policy to use experienced men to do dirty jobs whenever it was required. Hell, he'd been asked to do a fair amount himself in the past. As soon as he'd heard about Jack going on a training course, he'd known what that meant. He'd just hoped his friend would come back alright. Dangerous things, those 'training courses.' And if he wasn't mistaken, Jack was suffering the difficulties of readjustment. The signs were easy for him to spot because he'd been through them himself, many times. The anger he'd seen on his friends face, the dejected posture, the deadness in the eyes....oh yes, he'd seen this before.

'I know you cant Jack. But just listen to me OK? I can see what you're going through because I've been through it myself. I know it's hard to come back to normal life. But trust me, you've just got to keep on going. It's the only way to deal with it, and it'll get easier, I promise.'

Jack dragged his gaze away from the floor and looked at Walsh. He was about to say 'I don't know what you mean, I'm fine,' but his throat froze when he looked at his old comrades face and he knew he couldn't hide it. His voice cracked slightly and all he could do was whisper:

'It's never been like this before.'

Richard nodded silently and there was a lump in his throat. The pain was so tangible on Jacks face, in his voice, that it rendered him speechless.

'I just...I don't know if I can come back. I was just looking at those people working down there...Jesus Richard, I almost hate them! All safe in their little cubicles, what do they know about actually dealing with terrorists.....?' He broke off, unable to put what he felt into words.

Walsh nodded again and leant forward towards Jack, his elbows on his knees. 'Look, I've been there OK? I know how hard it is and how all this seems unreal right now. And the key thing to remember is....if you're not here, doing your job – then the bad guys have beaten you. Because they've taken a good player out of the game. People like you Jack, they're not made to sit on the sidelines. You'll feel much, much worse if you're not here because you're not designed to let other people make the decisions. You've just got to hang in there buddy – it'll be alright. You'll adjust back. It'll just take time.' He sat back in his chair, hoping that Jack would listen to what he'd said and hoping the direct approach would do the trick.

Jack did listen. He knew Walsh was right. If he gave up, everything would be worse, he'd hate himself even more than he did right now. Besides – how could he hope to make Nightfall right if he wasn't here? He needed the resources of CTU to find out who was behind the failed mission. But he couldn't explain to Richard what his real problem was – that it wasn't fear of letting the terrorists win this time. This time it was fear of letting the Government win – the people that were supposed to be on his side. Jack would've died for his country in a war with hardly a second thought – but getting murdered by your country on purpose was a whole different story. Especially if they took seven innocent men at the same time.

But he couldn't explain any of this to Richard. He just looked into his eyes and nodded solemnly, watched as his friend stood up. He felt the hand that grasped his shoulder and watched Richard walk out of the office, leaving him sitting alone feeling sick and bone-weary and wishing all of this would just go away.

Part 10

Jack sat without moving after Richard left. He just stared at the floor hopelessly and tried to get his thoughts in order. After about ten minutes he’d managed to get his anger and sadness under control but he still didn’t move. He felt drained again and unsure what to do next. His conversation with Walsh ran through his head over and over until he was screaming in his mind for it to stop, pleading for quiet so he could decide what to do. He was almost thankful when he heard a knock at his door, something to distract him from himself.

‘Jack, Tony told me you were here. What’s going on?’ Nina was standing in the doorway with a look of concern on her face.

‘I just came in to get up to speed before tomorrow. Anything happening?’ He prayed there was just so he could direct his thoughts away from himself and his troubles.

‘No, not really.’ Nina hesitated. Jack looked better than when she’d seen him on Friday night, but still not his usual self. She took in the marks on his face and his tired eyes but wasn’t sure whether to broach the subject. They weren’t in a bar now, this was work – and although Nina wanted to get close to Jack, she knew that she had to tread very carefully. Too much interest too soon would push him away, especially if she got personal. It might make him back away altogether and she had to avoid that at all cost. But still – he looked so sad and so troubled that that unfamiliar feeling swept through her once again. Compassion. She’d felt it when she’d seen him in the bar but had dismissed it as a one off. ‘Damn it!’ She thought to herself. ‘I can’t afford to start having feelings for this man.’ But she couldn’t help herself as she sat down opposite him and looked at the dejected way he slumped in his seat, took in the defeated look on his face.

‘How are you Jack? I was worried about you the other night. Did you get home OK?’

He almost told her he’d slept in the car, but stopped himself at the last minute. ‘Yes fine. Thanks again for coming. And I’m sorry for putting you in that position, it must have been awkward for you.’

‘No Jack, it wasn’t awkward. And it isn’t now, so don’t worry about it. Like I said – call me anytime if you need me. But seriously – are you OK? You don’t look very good. And...well....frankly, you look like you’ve been fighting.’ Nina instantly worried that she’d gone too far, but she relaxed when she saw his reaction. It looked like he wasn’t together enough yet to really pay attention to whether his subordinates were speaking out of turn.

Jack glanced down at his bruised knuckles. ‘It was nothing. So I’ll have a quiet office to come back to tomorrow huh? No impending crises?’

Nina shook her head and Jack wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or not. A crisis would help him focus and take his mind off things but if he was honest, he wasn’t sure how he’d cope with a stressful situation so soon after Nightfall. The thought made him curse inwardly – he’d never worried before about whether he could take the strain or not. He looked up into Nina’s eyes and was again struck by the concern he saw in them. Was she concerned about whether he was capable of doing his job? Or was it...something else? He pushed the thought away with some effort. He couldn’t start thinking of her that way, he just couldn’t.

‘OK well, I guess I’ll take off then. I just wanted to drop in and make sure everything was all right here. I should get home.’ Nina took the hint and stood up. ‘Thanks Nina. I’ll see you tomorrow.’ She nodded and walked out of the office – but as she walked down the stairs to the floor of CTU, she couldn’t help but allow a small smile to cross her features. If she played this right, Jack would be right where she wanted him.....

Jack stayed seated for about a minute after she left. He briefly considered how lucky he was to have such a capable woman as his second-in-command, and someone that seemed to understand him too. He brought his thoughts back with a small, silent laugh. If he didn’t pull himself together, she’d have his job! That thought forced him out of his chair and made him move over to his desk – and at the same time, helped him come to a decision. The thought of anyone else doing his job just seemed wrong. Walsh had been right – he couldn’t sit on the sidelines. He knew he was good at what he did, probably the best in CTU and he couldn’t let himself and his country down by sitting out because things got a little tough. He WOULD carry on – and he would find out who was behind Nightfall. And when he did – they would go down. Jack made a vow to himself right then. The memories of his dead friends deserved retribution. And he, Jack Bauer, would be the one to hand it out.

He felt better for having made the decision. As soon as he had, his head began to clear and he found his thoughts began to focus. The contrasting numbness and turmoil of the last week all melted together and formed a core, that turned into anger. Whoever had done this would not get away with it. He would work his ass off to protect the American citizens that deserved it, he would get the job done the way he always had – but those people who pretended to look after the people of this country while working their own agenda – they had better look out. And that included those in power. They would not be safe from him.

Jack sat at his desk and felt compelled to work for the first time since Kosovo. He picked up the phone and made several calls, requesting that all department heads put together a review of all CTU’s investigations that had happened in his absence, and all work in progress. He wanted them ready for the morning so he could get up to speed on everything as soon as he came in tomorrow. He called people at other agencies and other CTU offices, asking for updates on any impending cases that might soon be heading his way. He worked for about thirty minutes, feeling better and more focussed than he had in a week. Yes! This is what he was meant to be doing! This was more like him. Jack felt so relieved to be back in the game, so relieved that he seemed to be coming through the pain. If work was what would fix his head – then by God he’d keep working. And he wouldn’t stop until he was all better.

Jack hung up after a call to the FBI and realized there was nothing more he could really do right now. He figured that he’d better get back to Teri. She was bound to be wondering where he was and Jack supposed that he should have called her this morning. It was unlike him to not keep in touch with her when he was away so she was probably worried. He sighed. He may have figured out a way to focus his mind at work but he couldn’t help but feel apprehensive when he thought of going home. What if it all came back? What if he had flashbacks every time he saw that red cushion in the den? Jack shook his head and told himself to stop being stupid. He couldn’t spend all his time at the office, he had to go home sometime.

But Jack was dismayed to find that the prospect didn’t fill him with any joy, just nervousness. At all costs, he had to keep Teri and Kim away from what had happened. He couldn’t let them know what he’d been through, couldn’t explain to them how he’d failed. He couldn’t explain about the need for vengeance either. No, he had to go and act naturally. There was no other way. They had to be kept away from his job - partly because they weren’t allowed to know about it but mainly because he had to have somewhere to go that wasn’t about pain and death and betrayal. He could see that now – but still wasn’t sure how to adapt between the two worlds. However, there was no alternative. Keeping them separate was the only way he could get through it all. Jack rested his head on the back of his chair, closed his eyes and breathed deeply. Why hadn’t he seen this before? If he could just keep all his feelings at work, he’d be fine when he got home. Two different worlds, two different Jacks! Yes. It was all quite simple. He probably hadn’t seen it before because there’d been no need, he’d never been in this situation before. But there was a need for it now.

He stood up and felt in his pocket for his car keys – and felt paper instead. In all he’d gone through that morning, he’d forgotten about the letter to Saunders’ wife. What was he going to do about this one? He couldn’t go to London and he hadn’t really known Stephen that well anyway. MI-6 had loaned him out for the mission, Jack hadn’t met him before that. He’d learned to respect him quickly though – Saunders was a very good soldier. He even technically outranked Jack, being a Major, but had followed Jacks orders perfectly and never once acted like he should have been in charge. He’d been brave and professional, a true patriot. They’d spent a couple of evenings together before leaving for Kosovo, swapping war stories and jokingly comparing the hierarchies of their respective armies. Stephen had pretended to be outraged at the mangled way that Americans pronounced ‘Lieutenant’ and Jack had responded with gags about the Americans defeat of the British hundreds of years ago.

He’d liked Stephen and respected him, he’d been a credit to the British Army – well, Jack mused, the Brits had always been great allies. They were tenacious fighters and Stephen had done his country proud. Jack was sorry that he couldn’t have spent more time with the MI-6 man, and was even sorrier that he was holding this letter in his hands. He sighed sadly and reached for the phone once more, dialling a number from memory.

‘This is Jack Bauer, I need to speak to Tim Cavanagh please.’ A female British voice asked him to hold while he was connected and it wasn’t long before it was replaced by a familiar one.

‘Jack? Tim here. What can I do for you?’ Cavanagh was Jacks closest contact in the LA office of MI-6. He hadn’t known the specifics of Nightfall but had been helpful when Jack had called to ask him about Saunders. Naturally cautious when it came to working relationships, Jack had phoned his friend to find out anything he could about the man assigned to him as soon as he’d been informed about Saunders attachment to Nightfall.

‘Hi Tim. I’m phoning about Stephen Saunders.’

Tim laughed raucously. ‘Been showing up you Yanks has he? You’ve seen how a proper government man works and now you want to know where he learned it? Well, sorry old chap, state secret!’ Jack smiled into the phone, he wasn’t offended by the jokes, knowing full well that the British only considered you a friend if they could take the piss out of you. The smile quickly left his face when he thought about having to break the news and his voice was sober when he replied.

‘Not exactly Tim.’

Cavanagh caught the tone and stopped joking around. ‘Is everything all right?’

Jack explained what had happened as far as he could, into a silent and serious phone. ‘I’m surprised you didn’t know about it. Hasn’t the word gone out that he hadn’t come back?’

‘Not the way we work Jack. We don’t post obituaries on our network.’ Tim sounded dead serious now and very shaken up and Jack experienced the now-familiar dead weight in the pit of his stomach. He hadn’t expected Tim not to know about Stephen and he felt bad all over again at having to break the news. He tried to hold on to the thought that this would be the last time he would have to do this.

‘I’m sorry Tim. I know you worked together in London for a while. But the reason I’m calling is – well, I have a letter for his wife. It’s got a London address but you know how things work, someone needs to take it to her. Obviously I can’t – and it has to be someone who understands the situation, someone who knew that he’d been lent to us. She’ll need to be told that he died overseas, but not the circumstances. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this Tim, but I have to.’ Jack hated stating the obvious but he needed to make sure that Tim understood. She could not be told that he’d been working for the US Government.

‘Yes yes Jack, I quite understand. I can take it myself as a matter of fact, I’m due back in London for a couple of weeks, leaving in three days. Send the letter over here and I’ll take it to Felicity myself. Bloody hell, this is awful. I can’t believe it! She’ll be devastated – and Jane! My God, the girl’s only twelve....’

Jack closed his eyes and tried to block out what Tim was saying. He’d forgotten about Stephen’s daughter, who was only slightly younger than Kim. Once again he couldn’t stop the thoughts of what would have happened if the sabotage had been complete. Who would have gone to see Teri and Kim? What would they have done without him? Kim was thirteen now, when she was an adult would she even have remembered him clearly? Jack knew that Kim took his presence for granted, as any young person does with their parents. Would she have hated him for missing her growing up? The thought of all the things that he might have missed with her brought a flood of fear and pain through him and he screwed up his eyes against it. He couldn’t bear the thought of being without Kim and it was unimaginable what Jane might be going through right now. All of a sudden he couldn’t wait to get home and wrap his arms around his little girl. He wanted to reassure her that he’d always be there for her, he couldn’t imagine what he’d do without her. With this in mind he had to cut into Tim’s shocked ramblings.

‘Tim I know, it’s awful. Thank you for taking care of this for me, I really appreciate it. Please make sure that his wife knows what a good soldier he was. He really did a great job, I was very proud to have him on my team. America owes him a great debt of gratitude.’

‘Yes, thank you Jack. I’ll...I’ll make sure she knows. And I’m glad you got back all right.’

‘Thanks Tim. Have a safe trip.’ Jack hung up, then as quickly as he could he grabbed an envelope and put Stephen’s letter inside, wrote a quick note expressing his thanks again and addressed it to Tim’s office. Relief washed through him as he sat back in his chair and turned his face to the ceiling. It was over! He could finally start to put it behind him and move on. He felt quite giddy with relief and sat still for a few minutes while he got himself together. Thank God! The last job had been done. Nightfall was over!

He didn’t have a clue that he couldn’t have been more wrong.

Jack pulled up in his driveway and turned the key to kill the engine of the car. He let his hands drop off the steering wheel and rest on his thighs but he didn’t make a move to get out of the car. Instead he stared straight ahead and tried to piece the weekend together one last time – so that he could let it go and enter his home a renewed man.

He’d cried more in the last two days than he had in the last fifteen years. He’d never been through such a rollercoaster of emotions. He’d faced down anger, hate, fear, embarrassment, rage, pain, numbness, relief, sadness, humiliation and everything in between. He’d been blind drunk the last two nights. He’d had thoughts about another woman that he probably shouldn’t have. He’d beaten two men unconscious, almost broken down in front of a friend, he’d considered leaving his job. He’d felt rage towards the people he worked for, rage like he’d never known in his life. He’d had flashbacks and faced the unwelcome experience of being utterly out of control.

But he was still standing. He would not give in. He would walk into his house, hold his family in his arms and be what they needed him to be. Then tomorrow – tomorrow he would walk into work and do what was asked of him by his country. Do more than what was asked of him. And he would find them – those people who had seen fit to betray America and kill the good men that defended it. Those people that sold him out and tried to murder him. They would not be able to hide from Jack Bauer. His resolve was hardened into an impenetrable wall in his mind, strengthening him against all attacks and thoughts of weakness.

He grabbed his travel bag, got out of the car and slung it over his shoulder. He stood in the shadows of the house and noticed the way the late afternoon sunlight lit up the walls of his home, casting a golden glow over the path to the door. He smiled as he thought of Teri and Kim sitting inside, waiting for him to come home so they could be a family again - and with that thought he pushed all others to the back where they belonged. He had survived. That was what mattered.

Jack squared his shoulders and stepped out of the shadows, in to the sunlight that warmed him as he walked back into his life.

THE END

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