Part 1

"Is he married?”

Teri jumped, startled by the rumbling of her husband's voice in the quiet of the silent house. She shut the front door behind her and reached for the switch. Light flooded the darkened room and she finally saw Jack, sitting in the recliner in the opposite corner of the room, glass tumbler in hand. She smiled.

"What are you doing sitting in the dark, honey?" She set her purse on the end table next to the sofa and moved to pull the jacket from her shoulders as her smile began to fade. Wrinkles creased her forehead and she looked up. "Wait - wh-what did you just say?"

Jack sniffed and spun the ice around in his nearly-empty cup. He wished it was scotch instead of club soda, but he wasn't allowed to drink - Never know when you'll be called out. He wasn't going to answer Teri's question - she knew what he'd said. He flipped the lever down on the recliner and pushed himself out of the chair, ignoring Teri’s heated glare as he passed her on his way to the kitchen.

"What is wrong with you?" Teri snapped, perturbed by his odd behavior, but nearly livid over the undisguised accusation. She slung her windbreaker off her hand and left it on the floor of the hallway as she followed him.

Again, Jack disregarded her question and fired back with one of his own. "Why were you out so late?" he asked quietly, sparing her a quick glance over his shoulder then moving toward the sink.

"Late?"

He poured the remnants of ice cubes down the drain and set the glass down before turning slowly. "It's after midnight."

"Yeah, it's ten minutes after – and since when have I had a curfew?"

"Since when do married women hang out so late on a weeknight? Since when does Mary Shepherd stay up past the news? Since when do you send my calls straight to voicemail?" He had his arms crossed, leaning against the counter with a look on his face that told her he thought he had everything figured out.

"Okay, you can drop this right now - what the hell are you getting at?"

"You know exactly what I'm getting at."

Teri arched an eyebrow and mirrored his position, folding her own arms and leaning against the kitchen table. "Well, you're gonna have to spell it out for me, Jack, because my mind just doesn't want to go there."

Jack snorted and shook his head. "Oh, that's nice - take the high road. Good. That's great, Teri."

She was silent and he could tell she was burning inside, but he wouldn't dare drop it now, not after he'd forced himself to bring it up. He shrugged. "What? You go out every Wednesday night for hours and tell me it's with the girls and thought you'd get away with it? Do you think I'm so stupid that I wouldn't find out?"

"Jack, what are you talking about?" Teri questioned once more, this time with less heat in her voice. He knew, she could feel it, and him finding out this way, obviously from someone else, almost hurt more than why she was doing it in the first place.

Jack once again shook his head, amazed at how far she was going to let this play out. If it were him, he would've just admitted to it, brought on the heat and accepted it as what he deserved. He thought that Teri would've been the same way, but he guessed he was even more wrong about her than he'd thought.

"I went to the grocery store this evening," he explained, moving away from the sink and toward the cupboard. He pulled out a box of crackers and unrolled the plastic bag - anything to keep his hands busy, to help him think of something other than the words tumbling from his mouth. "Kim wanted cereal and we didn't have any milk, so I got some for her before my officers' meeting. I was surprised to see Gwen there since you guys were all supposed to be out having dinner."

It was Teri's turn to shake her head. She stepped toward him and reached for his arm. "Jack, please, let me - "

"So I got home and Kim had her cereal," Jack continued, ignoring her words and the hand on his. He pulled away from her and took several crackers from the box. "Then I called Sophia – you know, for shits and giggles – and it turns out she was home, too."

"Jack - "

"Which brings me back to my original question of whether or not he's married. I'm sure that…if he is, then there's a good chance he's having the same conversation with his wife as you and I are having right now." Jack gave her a stiff smile and popped a cracker into his mouth. "How crazy is that?"

Teri paled. She pulled her hand away from where it was hovering over his and stepped back. Jack watched as her face transformed from that of confused anger to complete shock.

"Wh…why? Why would you think that? What have I done to make you think I would hurt you like that? That I would hurt you at all?" Her voice cracked as she finished and tears were rimming her eyelids within seconds.

"Why would I think that?" Jack asked, his expression hardening as he realized she was still denying it even when he'd laid everything out for her. He slammed the box of crackers down on the counter and took a heavy step forward.

His mouth struggled to form a logical sentence as the words from the Army shrink floated through his mind. Because I'm emotionally detached, distant, prone to mood swings and bouts of anger. Because I have difficulty relating to others in regards to my experiences. Because I don't know how to ask for help. Because I can't find that switch I need to turn these thoughts on and off.

He swallowed. "How could I not?"

Teri was silent for a full minute and the only sound in the kitchen was the whir of the florescent light over the stovetop. Finally, she let out a long breath and sniffed loudly. "You bastard."

Jack let out a snort that was somewhere between a humorless laugh and a shout and shook his head. “So you get to run around and spread your legs for whoever you want and I’m the bastard? That makes sense.”

There was a pause where neither of them moved – they were trapped in the shock of the moment and only time could draw them out. Teri was the first to react, reaching for the table to steady her gait as she turned away.

Jack followed her as she nearly sprinted to the living room, badgering her with further accusations. “I don’t know why I’m surprised. All the guys talk about it – how their girls run around on ‘em when they’re gone, how half of ‘em don’t know if their kids are even theirs.”

Teri had already stooped to grab her jacket from the floor and crammed her purse into one hand while reaching for the door knob with the other. She yanked it open, eager to leave as quickly as she could, but not without a final word. She wiped a tear from her eye and pulled the car keys from the open compartment of her bag, ignoring his skeptic look as he stood motionless in the hallway.

She squared her shoulders and stared directly into his eyes. "Just for the record, Jack, I wasn't out fucking some married man. I was at a support group meeting for spouses of Ranger and Delta soldiers. I was trying to see how other people deal with watching the person they love die right in front of them because I can't fix you anymore."

****

Part 2

She wanted to be angry. She wanted to yell and fume and stomp around the house until he knew just how badly he’d hurt her. She wanted to smack him, make him feel the sting of his words, but as she pulled in front of the house, the only emotion she could process was exhaustion. The darkness was flaunting its control of the night and dawn was still a few hours from breaking.

She killed the engine, but made no move to slide from the driver’s seat. She’d driven for miles and still hadn’t come up with what to say to him. The lights were off in the house, so she could only assume he was asleep – maybe she wouldn’t have to say anything. Letting out a frustrated sigh, she pulled her purse from the floor of the passenger side and slowly stepped from the car. She pressed the door closed quietly and leaned against it to make sure it was locked. Kim’s room was at the front of the small base house – there was no need to wake her by slamming it, no matter how uptight she was feeling.

Nearly a year and a half had passed and the adjustment was still missing. The phone calls still came in the middle of the night, sometimes when they were sleeping, sometimes when they were just slipping into one another. Frantic kisses and a rushed ‘I love you’ and he was gone. For weeks on end she had no idea if he was still in America, but found herself stopping that train of thought before she could convince herself that he wasn’t. Then he would come home, usually a few hours, maybe a day later than he’d promised over some crackled phone connection, but it didn’t matter because he was there, solid, with Kim tucked under his arm and his lips on her forehead.

She would ignore the cuts and bruises, the winces he couldn’t quite stifle as they picked up where they had left off, slipping and then sleeping. And then it would be the next day and he would go to the office and take care of business he couldn’t speak about while she matched carpet with drapery patterns. It was a routine, but she had yet to get used to it.

Fumbling for the right key, but unable to see anything in the dark, Teri went around to the back to use the hanging bug zapper for light. She squeezed past Jack’s Bronco that he always managed to wedge into their narrow driveway and when she ducked under the side mirror, she noticed the soft glow coming from the shed. Jack never left the light on, so her ego gave itself a pat on the back, happy that she wasn’t the only one who had lost sleep over this.

Through the dusty portals in the sliding metal door, she could see him, sitting cross-legged on the oily cement floor with Kim’s bike upturned in his lap. The bulb in the ceiling had burnt out and his workbench light cast a tired yellow haze over the otherwise dark room – she wondered how he could see well enough to know where to put his hands. It wasn’t until she moved closer to the door that she could tell he wasn’t actually seeing anything, that the blunt tips of his fingers were bumbling around the tiny bike chain with nothing more than a blind familiarity.

The pair of channel locks he’d been gripping so tightly suddenly slipped from his hands, its clatter causing Teri to jump. She must’ve made a noise because Jack looked up then, his eyes settling directly onto hers with an uncanny level of precision.

He looked absolutely miserable.

There was only a moment before he shot up awkwardly, the bike falling with a loud ‘clank’ as the chain once again separated and snaked its way to the floor. There was an oil streak down the side of his face when he pulled his hand away and the effort to rub away any evidence of tears was useless – his eyes were red, puffy, still leaking.

She stepped back, forgetting that she had every right to be angry. In the nearly ten years they had been together, she’d seen him cry only twice. Once in college when they split a bottle of tequila and he’d spoken openly his mother, then again after he had spanked Kim for the first time, swearing to Teri through his tears that he would never do it again.

Is this when he lets himself do that? When he thinks I won’t…

She could still see him, now squatting, groping about the floor in an effort to pick up all the tools he’d littered around himself. He sniffed loudly and she could hear it through the cinder-block walls. She closed her eyes and felt her head pound.

I’m going to have to be the one to do this.

Taking a deep breath, she pulled her purse strap higher onto her shoulder and stepped through the side door. Jack looked up for only a second, but she caught the confusion and then fear flashing across his face before he pulled his eyes away. She waited for him, letting him gather the rest of his pliers and vice-grips and snap the lid to his toolbox shut. He pushed it away slowly, drawing out every last moment he could before he had nothing left to do but face his wife.

She cleared her throat and took another step forward, grateful that they weren’t arguing yet, but wishing for anything but this silence. “Jack?”

His shoulders dropped and he let one hand brush the ground, his fingers white, pressed to their limit as they kept him from falling on his face. After a long pause, he stood and half-turned to lean against the workbench.

There were wet wipes in a canister shoved between two battery chargers and he pulled two from it, running them over his fingers to wash away some of the grease. There were so many things he wanted to say to her, but nothing would do any good, he was sure. He’d already put her through so much and this was just the nail in the coffin he had built for himself. The thought of her leaving made his chest heave.

“Jack?”

He brought his hand to his mouth, squeezing the wipes tightly in his fist as he pressed his knuckles against his teeth.

“Baby, talk to me – please?”

“I’m so sorry,” he sputtered, the words rushing from his lips as soon as he pulled his hand away. He shook his head, eyelids clamped shut but damp with the tears that were forcing their way out. “I don’t know what I – I never…Jesus, the things I said to…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

He finally turned, opening his eyes.

She swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded, blinking back her own tears as she let her purse fall to the dirty concrete floor. She touched his face, letting the pads of her thumbs trace lines over the soft, wet skin beneath his eyes. She shook her head. “What’s happened to us?”

He closed his eyes once more and held her hands to his face, letting their heat calm him. “I don’t know.”

Deciding to use this moment, to go for it, Teri pulled herself closer and maneuvered her arms beneath his, holding him, letting him know it was all right to hold her, too. “I love you so much,” she whispered into his chest, training her eyes on the roll of duct tape hanging from a nail in the wall. His heart was beating hard and steady against her ear and she let the sound calm her as she spoke.

“I should have told you about the meetings, I know, but Jack…sometimes I don’t know what to say to you anymore. You take everything to heart – and that’s one of the things I love about you but…I didn’t want you to think that me needing to find a way to deal with all of this was somehow your fault.”

He squeezed her back and she could feel him shaking his head against the top of hers. “But it is. You wouldn’t be in this position if I didn’t put you there.”

“We decided this together – we knew going in that it would be rocky, but this is…Jack, this is what you’ve trained so long for.”

She paused, letting her words sink in before speaking again. “It’s not just about me and Kim…I’m worried about you. These…things you have to do, I know you’re not allowed to talk about them, but, Jack, they’re changing you. You’re not the same man you were fifteen months ago.”

“It’s been harder than I thought it would be,” he whispered, keeping his mouth buried in the curly locks of her hair, as if by hiding his mouth, his admittance would be less real.

Teri pulled away at that, moving her hands from his back to his arms, gripping him tightly as a hopeful look flashed across her face. “This doesn’t have to be permanent, baby – you can…it doesn’t mean you’re a quitter if you decide to move on. There are other things out there for you.”

“That’s…you don’t…it’s the only thing I’m good at,” he blanched, the look in his eyes begging her to just please understand.

But Teri was already countering his argument, shaking her head and giving him a sweet smile like she knew that was what he was going to say all along. Maybe she did. “Jack, no – no, that’s not true. You can do anything you want to do.”

“But I don’t know how.”

I don’t want to know how.

He couldn’t remember what it was like to not be in the Army, to not spend his weekends digging foxholes on training missions or negotiating security contracts with mercenaries in Bolivia. It was his routine – his security blanket was inside the war zone.

“We can learn,” Teri offered, her bright voice at odds with the darkness inside the garage. “We can start fresh.”

“Teri, we have a life here – we…we have stability,” Jack argued, eager to show her all the positives that he had made her forget about. “We have plenty of money, you can do your classes whenever you want, work when you need to – set your own schedule. Kim’s got a solid education on base, her friends are here, your friends are here…it’s not all bad.”

“I know,” she admitted quietly, still unconvinced, but seeing defeat on the horizon.

Jack stepped back, taking her tiny face in his rough palms and tilting her head up. “I’ll…I can transfer out of Delta – if that’s what you really want. It’ll take some time, but it can be done.”

She read the truthfulness in his eyes when he said it and as much as she hated what this work was doing to him, she couldn’t just throw away all the sacrifices they had made to get him there. It wasn’t even about the money, or the time to focus on whatever she needed – for Jack, she understood that this job, this…profession was more than just something that he did day in and day out. It was a level of accomplishment he had achieved, something he had worked so hard for that was his and no one could take from him. She didn’t know why it was like that, didn’t even pretend to understand, but that was how it was. She couldn’t ask him to leave that.

She pulled her face from his hands and let her own palms travel to his chest, fingering the buttonhole in the collar of his threadbare polo. Concentrating on the red strand that had unwoven itself, she pressed it between two fingertips and shook her head. “I know you have to keep secret about most things, but…Jack, you can tell me if you’re upset about something or if you just need things to be quiet or to be alone. I…I know it might be hard at first, but I feel like I don’t know what to do half the time. I don’t know what’s right for you,” she confessed quickly. “I don’t…that’s why I’ve been going to those meetings. I needed to see what other people did to maybe find out what I should do.”

“Teri, no,” Jack argued, shaking his head emphatically to let her know how off base she was. “The things you do…they’re never wrong for me. Never – okay?”

Sniffing back some of her tears, she gave him a watery shrug. “You say that now…”

“It’s the truth.”

“I know, but…would you just, maybe, try? For me?”

She looked up at him with pleading eyes and in that moment it was the easiest thing to agree to.

“Okay.”

“Promise me, Jack. I want you to promise.”

He nodded, swearing to himself that he would find that elusive switch that would tell him when he could think about certain things, the one that let him know when it was okay to remember and when to push it all aside. “I promise. I promise, Teri, I do.”

Her tears had all but dried, but there were fresh ones in her eyes as she smiled up at him. “Thank you.” She brought her hands to his face once more, her palms brushing against the stubble on his chipmunk cheeks. He’d been able to grow his hair out a little longer since he was an officer and she didn’t miss the buzz cut he’d worn for those first two years.

Jack felt the charge in the air, a palpable switch from that of apology to one of reconciliation. He let his eyes follow Teri’s fingertips as they brushed softly over the scar above his brow, then shifted to kiss the inside of her wrist before pulling both hands into his.

The soft jazz NPR played after midnight was filtering through the speakers of the grimy radio in the corner, but neither of them heard the music. He leaned her against driver’s side fender of his rusty, old Chevy – the one he’d bought in high school that he just couldn’t part with – and held her there, pressing his body into hers and trapping her with his weight. His hands were heavy, hot on her hips and he was squeezing her, pulling her closer in that rough way that she loved.

He buried his face into her neck, his mouth seeing what his closed eyes couldn’t and he inhaled, smelling only her, only him, no one else.

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