Baby needs a brand new pair of eyes
because the ones you got now see only goodbyes.
- Sadly Beautiful, Tom McRae

Kim lay in bed watching the news. Images flashed on the screen that she thought couldn't exist in America, and though she was afraid and worried about the future, she couldn't think about anything but the past. Barry gave her a pill and told her that she needed sleep. She didn't argue, feeling drained if not tired, not wanting to think about earlier, not wanting to remember everything she's seen. She took the pill and swallowed it with a sip of water. Barry touched her hair and cheek, leaning in to kiss her on the forehead. He told her that if she wanted to talk, he would always listen.

She nodded, turned over, and closed her eyes, grateful that he was there, but welcoming the familiar darkness.

"Kimberly?"

Her eyes blink open and she sees a dark haired woman standing at the foot of the bed.

She opens her mouth to scream, to call for help, and then she recognizes the voice and the eyes. Her heart skips a beat and her breathing speeds up. This is impossible.

"Hi," her mom smiles with tears in her eyes.

Kim clasps a hand over her mouth. She's wished to see her so many times over the last seven years and after her dad...the only reconciliation was that she thought they were finally together again.

Her mom moves to sit next to her on the bed. She's whispery, almost transparent, but she's there. Kim couldn't remember these details, not the exact way her Mom sat or the almost invisible wrinkles on her face, or that crease between her eyes when she was worried.

"Mom..." she gasps a sob, unable to stop herself, as her mom's ethereal hand glides over her hair.

"It's been a bad year, hasn't it, baby?" No recriminations, no anger, just a soothing strength that she never appreciated enough.

Nodding numbly, dropping her hand back down, she's still staring as her thoughts threaten to overwhelm her. She barely stops herself from reaching out.

"Mom..."

"I know, I know, it's hurt."

"Where. What -- " so many questions, should have so many questions, but she can't get them out.

"I don't have a lot of time," her eyes are concerned and sad. "I'm so sorry, sweetie. I watched you grieve and suffer and so many times I wanted to comfort you, but they tell us not to interfere, that we have to let things happen..."

"Why -- "

"I love you more than anything in the world, but I couldn't try to stop you, I couldn't...all the times you talked to me, I heard you."

"But you never answered..." Her lip trembles and tears glisten in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart, I wanted to, I wanted to so much," her mom presses her lips together, trying to regain composure. "But I was so proud of you for putting down those pills. I know you were in a very dark place."

Kim closes her eyes, struggling to take her next breath, not wanting to remember that night - those nights - but there's nothing to hide here. "I was," she whispers. "I couldn't...."

"Shhh...," that ghostly hand over her hand, her shoulder, wanting to smooth her hair.

"I've missed you so much, Mom." Her eyes narrow as she tries not to cry, watching her mom through a veil of tears.

"I know...and I know you wanted to join me."

She nods, unable to forget that moment, the epiphany she reached that the world was an unfair place where things would only get worse, there was no hope, nothing good in the future, everyone she loved was gone and some of them she'd pushed away.

"Your Dad did too...he still does. Do you believe me that even though I watched how hard it was for you, it was almost harder for him?"

She looks up at that, sniffling, wanting to throw herself into her mom's arms.

"I just - he - I lost him, I buried him, I mourned him...he can't expect me to do that again, how could he have put me through that? I can't go through it again. I can't." A hint of anger creeping into her voice. Easier to push him away by reminding him of how so many have died, than the truth that she can't take losing him again, and if that means that he's dead to her, well, she's lived with that.

"All he ever wanted was to keep you safe...no matter how much you hate him right now, he hates himself more."

She takes a shaky breath, "I don't hate him, Mom. That's the problem. He died years ago, I just didn't want to accept it. But I have now."

"Kim..."

"No, Mom, I -- there's nothing left to say."

Her mom sighs, "I know you feel that way now, but a week from now, a month? Sometimes, I look at him and I have a hard time seeing the man I married. But he's still there and you're going to regret this and it's not something you can take back. And I know you'll regret it, I know you...."

"Yes, you do," she whispers, feeling tears slip down her face. "I'm sorry that I can't, I'm letting you down...I can't..."

"Oh, Sweetie...," The whispery figure leans towards her and just for a few moments, she's solid and holding her against her chest, smoothing her hair. "I love you and my love is unconditional," her mom whispers.

Kim clutches her back, wrapping her arms around her, "I love you too, I'm so sorry..."

The temperature drops and she opens her eyes to find herself alone, her arms crossed over her chest, tears still falling, chest aching.

Her mom's gone.

She's shivering, unable to stop, feeling her jaw ache from clenching and she wails a sob, knowing that her mom's right.

"Mom...," she whimpers. Barry almost runs into the bedroom, putting his arms around her, and she trembles against him, breaking apart. She doesn't know if what happened was real or a dream, but she knows regret, she knows guilt, and for the first time in weeks, she wishes Barry was someone else.

END

Did you like the story? You have complaints?
How about letting the author now what you think about her work?
Feedback to Catch22girl (Please write in English)