Audrey leaned against the door jamb, her purse forgotten on the floor. With her free hand, she covered her mouth and felt the tears slide down her face.

It had been a long day. They all were. She had gone back to work as soon as she could. Sitting at home, alone with her thoughts, was unbearable. Even for a day. Work kept her busy. She had little time to think beyond the next update, the next meeting. The less time she had to think, the less time she had to remember the way it had felt when Jack would stand close to her, letting her know he was there and thinking about her without saying anything. Less time to remember the small smile he had just for her, it seemed. Less time to think about the first time they kissed, one late night at the office. Or the last.

She couldn't believe he was gone.

His death didn't seem real the way Paul's had. Audrey had seen his body, after the doctors had finished. She'd felt his cooling skin on her lips when she kissed his brow. She had known then that Paul was gone.

After he was killed, Jack's body went immediately to the morgue. The autopsy from CTU said it was a gunshot wound. Like Paul. According to Jack's will, the body was cremated and the ashes were scattered in the ocean.

It had been so quick and so final.

Paul's funeral had worn her down. Audrey didn't think it was possible she could cry anymore after the day, she didn't think she had the energy to do so. Nor the energy to feel anything more. But she'd been wrong.

The service had been simple, like he would have wanted. It was more somber than he would have liked. After his uncle had died, Paul had told her he wanted a “send-off” like that. A rowdy, loud affair where more laughing than crying had happened. He had even requested that Monty Python's “Always Look on the Brightside of Life” be played during the funeral procession. She remembered laughing, her arm linked through his as they walked. His accent had gotten stronger as he sang the song to her and the rain coming down on them had only given her a reason to hold him closer.

Audrey had remembered this but she couldn't bring herself to go through with it. Selfish not to or silly to even care, she didn't know. All she did know was that was for the funeral of someone else. Someone who had lived a long life. Someone who had had children and lived to see them become adults. And someone who had died at peace, asleep in the same bed they had shared with their wife of 40 years.

Not someone who had been cut down in the prime of their life.

If Paul's funeral had been like having a wound re-opened, again and again, Jack's was like walking into a crowded area bleeding and no one noticing. It had been a small gathering. No wake, just a service that had been quiet, polite even. It had left Audrey unsettled. Just like his death, Jack's funeral didn't seem to fit him. She remembered that moment, standing on the water's edge as Jack's ashes quickly disappeared, the last of his life fading away, and all she wanted to do was scream. Anything would have been better than the silence around her, pushing her down to her knees.

She hadn't stayed very long at the luncheon afterwards. It had felt too surreal being there and watching those closest to him go on so calmly. Like it was any other day, any other lunch. Audrey had met his daughter there. She'd known it was Kim without asking, nevermind the only picture she'd seen of the young woman had been taken ten years before. Strong and graceful, Kim had asked Audrey how she was and if she needed anything and all Audrey could think was, 'Shouldn't this be the other way around?'

Sometimes it was easy to imagine that maybe Jack wasn't dead. Maybe it had been a mistake or maybe there was something going on, something no one had told her. It was ridiculous but if she tried, Audrey could make it make sense.

It had been three weeks since Jack died and she was just beginning to accept it. Tired of crying, she was just getting used to letting the normal, everyday aspect of life soothe her. Things like going to work, taking out the trash and picking up the mail filled up her time and she didn't have time to get angry or think about how hollow she felt inside.

She'd come home tonight, another long day and went to her mailbox. Audrey had grabbed the envelopes and barely looked at them until she reached her apartment door. Two bills, what she guessed was a sympathy card, some junk mail and post card. The last had caught her by surprise. She had turned the postcard over and found it blank, aside from her name and address written in careful print. The picture on the front was of a beach in Mexico a place she had Jack had talked about visiting in a few weeks. A beach they might have been at now.

Audrey turned the card over, looking for anything she might have missed anything that might tell her this was a trick of her weary mind. She looked and she prayed she wouldn't find it.

Her whole body trembling, she held onto the wall for support. She almost was afraid to believe it but she had to. This was the only answer she'd ever receive.

End

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