Rating: PG
Spoilers: Up until Season 3, episode 09.
Summary: Nina's thoughts during the auction, S3.

Do you hate me Jack? I think you do. I suppose I can’t blame you, I did kill your wife and baby. I robbed you of your life, maybe even your sanity for a while there. But look, it could have been worse. You could have been a weaker man and pulled the trigger on the gun. Yes, I know you thought about it, don’t lie to me. How many nights did you hold it in your hand and pray that you would stop caring long enough to just let go?

Some people think that killing yourself takes strength, that you have to be really brave to go through with it. But you don’t. You think it’s weak. That people have to be pathetic to run away and not face up to their own lives and their own mistakes. I know you wanted to though. I sat in my cell and stared at the walls but I could still see your face, I could still see you sitting in a dark apartment, holding that gun and wishing that you were a weak man. Searching for a justification that would fit with your own self-image.

But you know you’re strong. I knew you were when I pulled the trigger. And guess what? I’m strong too and I don’t believe in suicide either. That’s why I’ll never stop fighting you. I’ll never let you catch me without giving you the scrap of your life. Who knows? You might even enjoy it in a twisted sort of way. It wouldn’t bring you much satisfaction if I just walked up to you and let you slap the cuffs on my wrists, now would it?

Face it. You want me to fight. I’m looking at you now and you’re trying to keep your face calm. But I see it when your eyes keep darting over to me. Part of you wants me to win this auction, just a tiny part of you. Because then the chase is on and it’ll be so much sweeter for you when you push me to the ground and laugh in my ear. I know you’ll mock me. I know you’ll push the barrel of the gun into my skull just a little bit harder than you need to. Anything to show me that you won in the end. It won’t be a proper victory for you unless you get to gloat, just a little.

But you’re going to have to catch me first Jack and that’s going to be harder than you think. I know how to protect myself. I hoped it wouldn’t be you I would have to protect myself against. I didn’t want it to come to this, I swear I didn’t. But now that we’re here we have to keep playing the game. The others don’t matter. They don’t know who you are. You fooled them, of course you did, because you’re the best. Except maybe for me.

I wish we weren’t in this ridiculous little tent. I wish we were somewhere where I could catch your eye openly. You know what I’d do? I’d get my cell phone out and wave it in your face. Because I know you need to call Tony right now. You need to tell him that your little plan is going down the tubes. Don’t bother trying to pretend. You’re Jack Bauer. You’ll never turn.

You know, it almost makes me nostalgic sitting here watching you. Our history is messed up. I can see it laid out before us, like there are ghosts behind both of us. When I look beyond you I see myself. Can you see yourself behind me? I know you’re on drugs now but I’m the real monkey on your back. I’m the thing that fills you with the anger you need to survive, I’m the moving target that keeps you awake and alert. You won’t be free until you’ve kicked it, I’m the habit you need to break Jack. Even I know that.

But what would you be without me? C’mon, be honest with those eyes that can’t stay off my face. I guarantee you that the quick burn of satisfaction you’ll get when you pull the trigger won’t last. And when it wears off, I’ll be just another notch on your gun handle and you still won’t have a life. You’ll still have to start from scratch. Is it worth it?

No, better to leave me out there where you know I’m waiting. Something you can tell yourself that you’re going to get rid of someday. I’ll be the fuel for your vengeful spirit and that way, we both get to live. Because Jack, if I die, you will too. Peace and happiness and a life in the suburbs – that’s not you. It never was. Think of history. You came to me because I fit who you really are. And that’s why you hate me Jack. That’s why you’ll miss me when I’m gone.

And anyway, you still have to catch me first.

End

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