The story takes place after Season 3. I'd written it before Season 4 started, so consider this AU.

Kim looked out of the window of their car and watched how the huge buildings of the Los Angeles airport grew smaller. It felt good to be back home. With a pang of guilt she realized that Chase had continued talking to her, while her mind had started wandering. She turned her attention back to her boyfriend who was driving the car.

“Are you listening to what I’ve been saying, Kim?” he asked a little bit annoyed. “I really don’t like surprise visits like this.”

“I know we wanted to wait until his birthday. But when I spoke with Chloe on the phone she told me about dad’s new undercover assignment and I can’t let him leave without talking to him. You know how long these missions can take. What if he’s away for a year? The baby would be already born and my dad wouldn’t have even known that I was pregnant. No. I really want to tell him today,” Kim explained. “Why are you so uncomfortable with this, Chase? I mean, there is no reason to wait.”

“Of course. It’s just...I don’t like to show up unannounced. That’s all. He’s leaving tomorrow and he has other things on his mind. I’m not sure if this is the right moment to tell him. We shouldn’t distract him like that.” To lower the tension between them he tried to talk about something else. “Have you asked Chloe how he‘s doing?”

“Yes. She said my dad’s doing pretty well. He’s loosened up a lot with the therapy. You know, I think she loves therapists. She went on like five minutes about how great such sessions can be. Maybe that’s why she’s so odd sometimes. Therapy session overdose,” Kim giggled.

“Chloe’s not odd,” Chase defended his friend and former co-worker.

“Sorry, I know she can be nice. If she tries really hard,” Kim grinned.

“You know, I’m really grateful how she helped me with Angela, when her mother left her with me. If you really need help, you can always count on her,” Chase answered.

“You’re right, I’m sorry,” Kim replied ruefully, when she remembered how much it hurt him when she made fun of his friend.

Kim couldn’t believe how hostile she had been towards little Angela, when she had met Chase’s daughter the first time. She wondered how she ever could have considered breaking up with Chase over Angela. It would have been unfair to the little girl to bring her back to her mother. Her birth mother was a nice woman, but she even had trouble handling her own life, let alone raising a child. She was studying law and was working double-shifts to pay the bills. There was simply no time and money for a baby. So she had left Angela with Chase over a year ago. Not caring if he could and how he would manage it.

“I wish we could have brought Angie with us. I’m sure dad would’ve loved to see her,“ Kim said after a while.

“When she gets teeth, it‘s always better to leave her at home. The flight would have been too much for her while she has a fever,” Chase reminded her.

“Of course, you’re right,“ Kim agreed. “I really hope our baby will be as sweet as Angie. You know, I’ve heard I was never like that. A real pain in the ass for mom and dad. Picky with eating, not sleeping when I was supposed to and I loved to cry - very loud. And I‘m not speaking of the times when I got my teeth.”

“What a joy,” Chase said sarcastically. “Couldn’t you have warned me before we did this?” Then he smirked and Kim started to laugh.

“How’s your hand, Chase? You really have to tell me if I should drive,” she asked, when Chase took his left hand from the wheel to stretch it a bit.

“Don’t worry, it’s fine. It’s a lot less stiff here in the warm weather. Maybe we should’ve moved to San Diego as the doctor had ordered, instead of Baltimore,” Chase joked.

Kim shook her head. “I love San Diego, but CTU has only a small district office there.” She was very grateful, that CTU Washington had pulled some strings within the Agency to offer them both a job in Communications, after Chase had been released from the hospital. They were more than happy to have Chase back, after he’d left for Los Angeles three years ago. “And you have to admit,” she continued. “it’s a big advantage to living close to your parents. Your mother is such a great help with Angie. One of us would have had to stop working, if it wasn’t for her.“

“And she would’ve been deeply offended, if we had ignored their offer to move in next door.” Chase pointed out.

Kim had been very reluctant about moving first, since she had been living in Los Angeles all her life. Relocating to the other side of the country was a big step for her, but she was glad they had done it. Their little house in the suburbs of Baltimore was beautiful. And it felt so good to call a place home, that wasn’t attached to any terrible or sad memories. Chase’s parents had welcomed her with open arms. Only then did she realize how much she'd missed the feeling of belonging.

“Oh, yes. Very offended. They are so sweet, I would never want to risk disappointing them. If we did, your mother might stop feeding us her delicious cherry pie! I really wish she would reveal her secret recipe,” Kim pondered and licked her lips.

“No way. She would rather take it to her grave!” Chase chuckled, but Kim suddenly got serious again and stared down at her hands. “What’s wrong?” Chase asked confused.

“Nothing. I was just remembering the chocolate muffins my mom used to make. She always promised me to share the secret recipe when I had kids of my own,” Kim whispered.

“Oh, Kim...”

“Sorry, I just...” Kim tried to compose herself and changed the subject. “We should have taken the earlier flight. The traffic is awful during this time of day. What do you think, how long until we arrive? Thirty minutes?”

“I don’t know, hard to tell. If we don’t get into the real heavy afternoon traffic jam, 15-20 minutes, I guess.”

“Good. I can’t wait to see dad’s face when we tell him about the baby.”

“You know, I still think we should call first...”

“No! I want to surprise him. Also I want to avoid him finding excuses for us not to come. We will tell him today.” Kim insisted.

Chase sighed. Kim had never really understood what it meant going undercover. You don’t just go and do it. Doing this as successfully as Jack did meant thorough preparation. Visiting him today was completely messing with his schedule. But Kim could be very stubborn. Something she’d definitely inherited from her father, Chase mused. And as always, it was impossible for Chase to refuse her wishes.

“You should have at least returned his call yesterday.”

“Oh, I know. But it would’ve ruined everything!” Kim pouted. “You know what an awful liar I am. I didn’t want him to be suspicious.”

If he was totally honest with himself, he had to agree with Kim. They had to do this today. If they had known earlier that Jack was preparing for a new assignment, they wouldn’t have waited so long. But who could’ve known that they would put him back on active field ops duty so soon? Chloe had told Kim on the phone that this could easily expand into a long running operation.

It was better to get this over with sooner rather than later. He had thought about using his occasion to tell Jack about his plans for proposing to Kim. He hoped he would find the right
moment. Kim hadn't said anything, but he knew she was waiting for him to make the first move. Chase was fully aware of the fact that others would surely laugh about this. But he believed that it couldn't hurt to be a little bit old-fashioned sometimes. Asking the father of the bride for permission had a neat romantic touch and showed respect.

*~~~*

Jack sat on the sofa in his living room, lost in thought. He had taken the afternoon off to take care of his personal belongings, before his new mission started tomorrow morning. The first since the Cordilla virus incident. Finally. It had taken long enough. The last few months had been filled with a boring desk job, attending the methadone program and therapy that had been forced onto him by Division. Getting off the drugs was one thing, but visiting a shrink? Unfortunately Hammond hadn’t given him any choice. Either he’d agreed to this, or they would have had let him rot behind a desk forever.

The only thing he had wanted during that time was to get back into field ops again. As soon as possible. He needed something that occupied his mind completely. Sitting in his office gave him way too much time to think.

Therapy had been awkward. The questions were personal. Probing. Digging. Trying to lay open his soul. But he hadn’t been ready for it and still wasn’t. He couldn’t talk about the things that have happened, the guilt, the grief, the haunting nightmares, his sometimes still overwhelming need for a fix to make all of this go away for a while. How much he missed his daughter. He had tried, at first, but how can you share experiences like this with someone who hasn’t been there?

After a while Jack had started to get desperate. He’d realized it couldn’t go on like this. If he wanted the sessions to end, he had to switch tactics. Why not? He was good at this. He could lie to you straight in the face and you would never notice. The Salazars or CTU, what was the difference? It’s all about keeping the cover intact. Very simple. Pretend to get better. Be happy.

He knew how to play the game.

Officially the therapy made good progress. No one realized he was just playing a part. Again. Like he always did. Had there ever been a time when he didn’t pretend or tried to hide something? When he was just himself?

His new tactic of deceit soon turned out to be quite successful. Although it was odd how much harder it was to play ‘everything is fine’ in comparison of pretending to be a crazy killer.

The therapist from Division was so fuckin’ proud of his work. This self-conceited brick never realized he was being fooled. When he finally announced the sessions were over and Jack could return to field ops, everyone at CTU was happy and relieved. Mission succeeded.

By then things seemed to start getting back to normal. Everything was fine.

Except it was not.

His grip around the metal of the gun tightened. He looked at it, a little bit surprised. He couldn’t remember taking it out of the drawer. Usually he reached for the photograph and left the gun in it‘s place. Not this time. The polished surface gleamed in the rays of the sunset that fell through the window.

Being back in field ops had looked like the key for all his problems. But he had been fooling himself. It kept his mind busy as predicted, no doubt. It didn’t solve any problems, though.

Like the nightmares.

They were the hardest thing to bear. He’d experienced this before, but not with such intensity. Faces of the dead where haunting him, every night. The people whose deaths he’d been responsible for on that godforsaken day the virus broke out. The guards at the prison, including the young man who died when they played Russian Roulette. Jack regretted to have never inquired for his name. Or Claudia. His heart clenched when he thought of her. She had been such a brave and strong woman and hadn’t deserved to be used like that. Everybody who’d died of the virus, because he had failed to see the bigger picture. If he’d even suspected Michael Amador was planning foul play, no one would have been infected. Gael wouldn’t have had to die. Adam’s sister would still be alive. He wouldn’t have been in the impossible situation to shoot Ryan Chapelle and Tony wouldn’t be in prison for treason.

Had he ever been fooled like this before? A grave mistake that had cost the lives of hundreds of people.

‘It was all my fault,’ he thought.

Being back in field ops meant going undercover again. He had been looking forward to it, this was familiar ground. He’d thought it would be a good thing to shed the life of Jack Bauer, CTU Agent, for a while. So now he was sitting here, waiting for it to begin. And for the first time he wasn’t sure if he was up to it. As the seconds ticked by he became more and more desperate.

Jack was terrified of the new mission with an intensity he’d never felt before. Why? Fear of failure?

Self doubt was destructive.

He moved the slide of his gun backward to check the ammunition. It was loaded and ready to use. Like it had been for years.

‘Why hasn't she called back?' he wondered while looking over at the phone.

He hadn’t seen his daughter in months. Of course he knew that Kim was a grown up woman and had every right to live her own life. But still, he couldn’t get used to the fact that she wasn’t around anymore. That his little girl didn’t need him anymore.

He’d called her yesterday but only her answering machine had picked up. He’d asked her to call back. She hadn’t.

He knew she tried to find her own life. And for that she had to create a distance between herself and Los Angeles. And her father.

'My safety net is gone' he realized.

The one thing that usually pulled him back, when things got tense.

If you are deep undercover you tend to lose your grip on reality. The temptation of disappearing becomes the song of the sirens. He hadn’t been totally dishonest with Ramon Salazar when he had tried to make him believe he’d switched sides.

When you come back, what do you get?

Maybe a ‘thank you’ and a pat on the back. If you’re lucky. It’s your job after all. You do what is expected from you. And they don’t even care how you do it. The results are all that matters.

He just never felt like James Bond with this unspoken license to kill. Deep down inside it killed you, as you kill others.

When a mission comes to an end, you need a reason to come back. It’s so easy to lose your focus on reality. The possibility of disappearing and starting a new life is just an illusion. He knew that. But its tempting sweetness lures you into believing that it is the only way to escape your own skin. To shed all your sins. In truth it’s nothing of it. It’s just a trap with no way out.

All his life he’d had a safety net. He had his family. And even when Teri was gone, he still had Kim. Why hadn’t she called back? Did she really not need him anymore? Who would pull him out when the sirens began their song?

No one.

With a certainty that terrified him he knew he wouldn’t come back this time. He would lose his grip on reality. He would blow the mission and betray his country. He could feel it with every fibre of his body.

He couldn’t let that happen.

There was no way he was going on this new assignment tomorrow. He wasn’t going anywhere.

He envied Chase for being able to break out of this life. For a long time he’d thought he could do that too. But he had been just fooling himself.

He’d realized some time ago that simply looking for another job was not an option. Not for him. It was this, or nothing at all.

He hesitated and listened to his inner voice. That little voice of self-preservation that was supposed to tell him that this was wrong. To put the gun back into the drawer. That there was a life different from this.

But there was just silence.

He brought the gun into position, closed his eyes and pulled the trigger.

*~~~*

“Do you have all your bags?” Chase asked Kim, while he took his suitcase out of the trunk.

“Yes, I think I’m ready,” she answered and smiled a little bit uneasy. “I’m really nervous, you know? I want to get this over with.”

“Yeah. Why don’t you...,” Chase started, but suddenly the sound of a gunshot ripped through the quiet afternoon.

Both of them froze and stared at each other. The silence was eerie. Chase could see the fear in her eyes.

“That came from inside,” she whispered.

Chase searched the windows with his eyes, but couldn‘t detect any movement behind them. "We need to call the police. We‘re not armed, it‘s too dangerous to go in,“ he reminded her.

Kim shook her head. "That will take too long,“ she said and took the keys out of her bag.

"Kim!“ Chase grabbed her by the arm and held her back. "We have to be cautious. As long as we don‘t know what happened in there, it‘s too risky to do anything rash.“

"I know how to defend myself,“ Kim growled and pushed him away. Before Chase got another chance to grab her, she had run towards the house and disappeared inside, the door closing behind her.

'Great. Just great‚' Chase thought as he raced after her. He rattled at the door, but it was locked. 'And now?‘

*~~~*

"Dad?“ Kim asked hesitantly after she had entered the house. No response. "Dad, are you here?“ Her voice wavered slightly. There was no sign of an intruder, but it was better to be careful. She glanced into the living room, but it seemed empty. As she was turning away, she thought she saw something out of the corner of her eye. She turned back and took a step into the room.

Kim tried to swallow the growing lump in her throat, but it was useless. There was a body laying on the sofa. From her position it was impossible to see who it was, but she feared the worst. She heard Chase banging on the door, but her gaze stayed fixed on the scenery before her.

She forced herself to take another step.

"Dad?“ she didn‘t dare raise her voice. Burning panic was trying to suffocate her. When she had reached the unmoving body, she sank down on to her knees.

"Oh, my god. No,“ she felt the tears welling up in her eyes, unable to really comprehend what she was seeing.

Besides the streams of blood running out of his mouth and nose, he almost seemed asleep. Had he been shot? She couldn‘t see an entry wound. With shaking hands she forced herself to turn him on his back so she could reach for his neck, to check for a pulse. Nothing. Oh, god. She suddenly felt something wet at her hand. When she pulled it back, blood was dripping from her fingers.

She just stared at it, not knowing what to do. Tears were running down her face. ‚What had happened?‘ she thought. Then she saw the growing puddle of blood beneath his head and his gun laying on the floor. Only then did she begin to realize what he‘d done.

"Oh, no!“ she cried. "Dad, what have you done?“ her cry turned into an agonizing scream. She bent over his lifeless body, lay her head on his chest and sobbed. "What have you done?“ Her whole body was trembling, while she rocked back and forth, crying desperately.

*~~~~*

Chase heard a nerve shattering scream from inside and kicked down the door, wasting no time. "Kim, where are you?" Chase screamed from the door, his voice full of worry.

Then he found them.

“Jack!“ Chase cried horrified as he entered the room. Seconds later he knelt down besides Kim, touching her back. "What happened?“ Chase‘s voice was vibrating from shock.

"The...,“ her voice was cracking. "the...gun.“

"What?“ Chase looked around confused.

Finally she found her breath again and screamed hysterically, "Chase, he shot himself!“

Chase couldn‘t believe what was happening here. It just couldn‘t be. He forced himself to look down on Jack‘s dead body. He must have put the muzzle of the gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger. Kim was completely hysterical, he had to get her out of the room. "Kim? You have to get up and get some fresh air. Please. We need to call the ambulance.“

"For what?“ she hissed angrily. "He‘s dead. Leave me alone.“ She took her father‘s hand into hers, gripping it fiercely. "I love you dad, I love you.“ She kept repeating over and over again, ignoring her boyfriend completely.

Chase looked disoriented around the room. He needed to call the police and an ambulance.

CTU had to know what had happened. While Chase tried to decide what to do first, Kim continued talking. Her voice was so soft, he had to strain his ears to understand what she was saying.

"I have been talking to Chloe. She told me you‘re doing fine. How could she? How could she have said that? Oh, dad. Why? Why?“ Chase took her into his arms and she was leaning heavily against him, all the while never letting go of her father‘s hand. "Why didn‘t you speak to me?“

Suddenly she became very still. "The call. I should‘ve returned the call! How...I can‘t...oh, god,“ realization hit her. "What have I done?“ she screamed hysterically. "He wanted to talk to me. He wanted to talk! What was I thinking? I let him down! Why didn't I return his call...oh God, why didn't I return his call?"

"Kim!“ Chase shook her to calm her down. "Kim! You couldn‘t have known. Do you hear me? You simply wanted to surprise him. Don‘t blame yourself. Please.“ Tears started running down his cheeks.

She just looked at him, her eyes puffy from crying.

"This is all my fault,“ she whispered.

'Oh, sweetheart. Don‘t burden this on you,' Chase thought helplessly before he pulled her close again and held her as tight as he could.

End.