Been scared and lonely
I've asked myself is something wrong with you
My girlfriend told me
I need some time alone to deal with issues

"You can't have a normal life and do this job at the same time."

Chase wonders why I don't think he can date. You don't even have to add "my daughter" to the end of that statement, although it wouldn't hurt. I know what I'm talking about, and I'm just trying to make sure Chase, and Kim, don't make the same mistakes I did. They've both seen too much that kids their age shouldn't have to see. They're scarred, even if they don't realize it.

When you see the thing we see, you retreat into yourself. You can't do the give and take thing relationships require. You hold back, out of habit, and out of necessity. That's why even when you trust someone with your life, you drift apart. Secrets destroyed my relationships with Teri, Nina, Kate. In the end, it's easier to stay alone.

I try to explain this to Chase, and he points out Tony and Michelle. If they can do it, he reasons, so can I. I don't tell him that Tony and Michelle won't last forever. I'm happy for them, right now, and I honestly hope that they can figure out what I can't - how to stay together when our world seems so intent on breaking people apart.

But something makes me carry on
It's difficult to understand
Why I always wanna fly

I've always been reckless, it's why I became a field agent. Going after the terrorists, I can unleash the dark emotions that I hide under the surface. I do what needs to be done. I go against protocol. I know I scare Chase sometimes. I scare myself sometimes. Tony and Kim know there's something different about me. But they know not to push. If I'm hiding something, there's a reason for it. I know there's a distance growing between my daughter and me. It's partially my fault that Kim goes to Chase. I know I push her away. I'll do anything to protect her. Even if I'm protecting her from myself.

I do it for the drugs
I do it just to feel alive
I do it for the love
That I get from the bottom of a bottle

"I'm concerned about you, Jack. The things you did to get me here. You'll never be the same."

Six months undercover with Salazar. I did things I promised myself I'd never do. I crossed dangerous lines. I saw things that haunt me, had a lot of bad days.

I can't sleep any more. When I try, I remember Teri dead in my arms, that day almost five years ago.

I remember the last time I saw Nina, the rage that exploded in me then. I almost killed her that day. It would have been so easy to add another casualty to my personal body count.

Maybe going under wasn't such a bad thing. I shoot up and it all goes away.

But I see the look in Chase's eyes when the withdrawal starts to hit. And it's back to fighting.

You always call me
And ask me how I make it through the day
I'm always fallin'
I guess it's just God's way of making me pay

So many mistakes. Secrets and lies. Doing my job. Trying. Failing.

Succeeding? Maybe. Salazar is behind bars, but is it worth what I gave up?

Six months of my life. Spiraling into addiction. Losing Kate. Losing Kim, again.

I lost her the first time when I wasn't there for her childhood. All those missed birthday parties and dance recitals.

I lost her a second time when Teri and I separated. She tried to get close to me, but I didn't pay attention. I knew she was trying to play me against her mother and I ignored her. She almost died that day and regretted it. But nothing changed.

I lost her for good when I lost her mother. We ran away from each other instead of coming together like we could have. Those years we lost we can't get back.

And now it's back to ignoring her. She's trying to talk to me, and I can't let her. I can't let her get close enough to see me like this. It's easy to hide when all we do is exchange casual greetings in the bullpen before I run upstairs and lock myself in my office.

I wonder why I try
And I wonder why I bother
And I wonder why I cry
Why I go through all this trouble

And now the virus threat. It never stops. It's never enough.

Would it be easier to just give up? Probably. But I've tried the running away strategy. It didn't work.

Too many people need me. Even though I wish they didn't.

I've spent my life keeping America safe from the ever-present threats. I've lost count of the number of people I've watched die. Nothing shocks me anymore.

And I've never found a satisfactory explanation. Why do people kill people? Why is my job necessary?

I'll never know. I just know that it is.

And that's why I'll continue to make the sacrifices that I make.

I don't believe in much anymore, but maybe someday someone will prove me wrong.

Maybe we don't have to be alone.

THE END

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