I know now what shadows can see
There's no point in running unless you run with me

It felt like the floor dropped out from under me when they dragged him in. I couldn’t speak, couldn’t move – couldn’t do anything but wonder how Chase had found me. He wasn’t supposed to be a part of this, and Tony and Gael and I had gone out of our way to keep him in the dark. He was young; he didn’t have the experience to deal with this kind of situation.

Chase raised his head and his eyes locked with mine. There was the slightest tinge of fear and uncertainty in his face, but it was outweighed by anger and determination and the overwhelming emotion that made my heart twist in my chest – betrayal. He could forgive me for my anger at his relationship with my daughter; he could forgive me for leaving him unconscious in a prison cell when he thought I was trying to do the right thing. But this . . . this he couldn’t forgive.

Ramon was right behind me, his eyes boring into my back. And so I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t drop the façade and tell him it was all deceit, a twisted game of cat and mouse where predator and prey were never clearly defined. All I could do was look at him and hope to God he could put the pieces together.

And I feel a cold wind blowing beneath my wings
It always leads me back to suffering
But I will soar until the wind whips me down
Leaves me beaten on unholy ground again

We should have told him. We should have at least given him some idea of what was going on, and then Chase would have stayed in Los Angeles and we wouldn’t be in this impossible situation. My partner wouldn’t have an arsenal aimed at his chest in the home of the most sadistic man I’d ever known. We’d fucked up, and now something had to give.

Pain and anger flashed in his eyes as he asked if I was with them now. His voice was almost a snarl, telling me in no uncertain terms that if his arms weren’t being held he would try his damndest to rip me to shreds. I had no doubts that he would – I’ve known my share of betrayal too and was well aware of the throbbing red fury pulsing in his chest. He wanted to kill me, and I didn’t blame him.

So tired now of paying my dues
I start out strong but then I always lose

There was no way to let him know that from this point on, every word that fell from my lips was a lie. Ramon and Hector were right behind me and right then Ramon wanted nothing more than to see my blood spilling all over the floor. I couldn’t fuck this up. It had to be real.

Yes, I was with them, I growled back. I watched his world shatter and in that second I hated myself for having to do this, for having this job and this life. I wanted to kill Ramon for this, kill Tony for ever letting me agree to do this, kill anyone I could get my hands on for making the world a place where I had to be the first person to betray this kid.

So here I slave inside of a broken dream
Forever holding on to splitting seams

He ripped his arms from his captor’s grip and lunged at me. I didn’t fight him hard – I didn’t have it in me. I understood his rage and let him slam me into the wall, feeling my head crack against plaster. Within seconds Hector’s men had restrained him again and then Ramon had me by the collar, demanding I kill my partner.

It took me a split second to make the decision. But oh, God, I loathed myself for making it. Chase had a life ahead of him. The whole world was waiting for this kid and I had to put a gun to his head and pull the trigger. My daughter would never forgive me. I was going to shoot the man she loved, and I knew there was no way she could ever understand why it was necessary. Daddy was betraying her again, and the thought made me want to forget the whole thing and just put the barrel in my mouth. End it all, right there in Ramon’s house.

But I had been trained too well for that. The hand on that gun was not my own, and neither was my life. I had signed it away a long time ago, when I was an idealistic kid, and it was no longer mine to do with as I pleased. I had been sent here to do a job, and maybe when it was over I could put that gun to my own head. But not now – not now. Now I had a choice. I could let the most destructive virus known to man get into the hands of terrorists, or I could kill my partner.

And so I took the gun, knowing all the while that it should have been me on the other end of that barrel. I was too fucked up on smack and this job and my own bitterness to care anymore, and I might even have welcomed that cold metal against my temple. But instead the gun was in my hands, and I was the one who had to pull the trigger.

I know now what trouble can be
And why it follows me so easily
It's half the distance through the open door
Before you shut me down again
Let me introduce you to the end

I hoped Chase saw the apology and the pain in my eyes as I moved closer. I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t want to fucking do it. The face of this innocent kid was going to haunt me forever. But I felt Ramon’s eyes on me and knew there was no way out.

I snarled that he shouldn’t have followed me and suddenly Chase spat in my face, furious. Warm saliva dripped down my cheek, but the revulsion that suddenly rolled in my stomach didn’t stem from that. My gut was churning because I knew that I didn’t even deserve to be spat on; what I was about to do would reduce me to nothing. No, that’s not right. I was already nothing.

I wiped his saliva away and moved to his side, pressing the gun to his head. I felt him trembling slightly, but the expression on his face hadn’t changed. He stared straight ahead, waiting. I wanted to tell him I was sorry – sorry for not telling him about the job, sorry for being angry about his relationship with my daughter, sorry for fucking everything that had brought us to this point. But I couldn’t say a word, and even if I had, it wouldn’t have been enough. No amount of apologies could make up for what I was about to do. So I said nothing and simply squeezed the trigger, waiting for the explosion that would damn me for the rest of my life.

And time will burn your eyes

The chamber clicked over, empty. No shot. No blood spattering the opposite wall, no body on the floor. Chase was still standing, still alive, and he blinked in shock as Ramon’s laughter filled the room.

The gun was shaking in my hand and I nearly dropped it. I couldn’t do anything but stand there as Hector’s men dragged my partner down the hall. Ramon was still laughing, and the single thought pounding through my mind was that I had almost done it. I had almost shot him. He was just a kid, and I had almost put a bullet through his head.

Ramon was just a terrorist, a bastard who didn’t care. He had no morals, no cause, no heart. He killed without thought. Lives held no meaning for him, and that was why he was so dangerous. A man without guilt can explain away his crimes. I couldn’t. There was no explanation. I could have avoided it, I could have convinced Ramon it wasn’t necessary, I could have broken my cover, I could have flat-out refused. But I didn’t. I had put a gun to my partner’s head and pulled the trigger.

Ramon kept laughing as his brother’s men left the room with Chase. I just stared at him, realization slowly creeping into my mind. There were two men standing in the room now, but only one of them was a monster.

It was me.

THE END

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